What I really want is a good read. I am hoping that through some mystic connection AL Franken and Moses can team up to write a book. Secretly hoping for THe Idiots Guide to the 10 Commandments for Rush Limbaugh to Lose Weight...I really feel there is a strong market for that.
Further Reading Combo's I would like to see in a new section adopted by all bookstores worldwide.....Divergent Readings for the NonPlussed
Shaggy and George W BUsh.......Zoikes, It's the Ghastly She-yikes (Shiites)
Barney and Michael Jackson.....How to hug kids without getting a stiffy
Hillary Clinton and Bathsheeba....Hard Balls
Tammy Faye Baker and Joe Simpson...5 Habits of Highly Successful Religi-O-Bots
aka How God can Make YOU rich!
50 Cent and Betty Crocker....Whip IT Naked
George Foreman and Martha Stewart...10 second foreplay (Hit that bitch hard)
Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise....How Ritalin helps You make friends with Scientologists
10.30.2009
Silver Linings
Xmas 05...cont:
I am now past the purging through vomitation and have moved on to self defeat of the acceptance that Xmas really does stand for X....or generation X...mas or whatever X is. I have a suspicion that it could refer to the drug ecstasy, in which case the holidays would be a little brighter.
Dont worry about a present because there just really isnt enough room in my house for anything else. Of course if you INSIST on a gift, and INSIST on my telling you what I want, then PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.......BUY IT!! I mean. if I ask for a $15 DVD and you just cant come up with that, then let's just forgo it altogether.
My Xmas Experience - picture it - Xmas 2005 - my mother's house - gifts and people abound
I hadn't opened any of my gifts yet when I was caught by a gift my sister received. 1 lovely birds nest necklace with multi colored pearls as eggs. At first I was a little hysterical but then very happy she got it and not me.
SO I am fully expecting my Budokon DVD for $15 which I also provided the # for ordering information as well, when I notice that none of my gifts (due to their size) could possibly hold the dvd.
Ahhh but the silver lining of it all is this......I too got a birds nest necklace. And there is no amount of Budokon DVD's that can compare to that! What a lucky girl am I......
I am now past the purging through vomitation and have moved on to self defeat of the acceptance that Xmas really does stand for X....or generation X...mas or whatever X is. I have a suspicion that it could refer to the drug ecstasy, in which case the holidays would be a little brighter.
Dont worry about a present because there just really isnt enough room in my house for anything else. Of course if you INSIST on a gift, and INSIST on my telling you what I want, then PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.......BUY IT!! I mean. if I ask for a $15 DVD and you just cant come up with that, then let's just forgo it altogether.
My Xmas Experience - picture it - Xmas 2005 - my mother's house - gifts and people abound
I hadn't opened any of my gifts yet when I was caught by a gift my sister received. 1 lovely birds nest necklace with multi colored pearls as eggs. At first I was a little hysterical but then very happy she got it and not me.
SO I am fully expecting my Budokon DVD for $15 which I also provided the # for ordering information as well, when I notice that none of my gifts (due to their size) could possibly hold the dvd.
Ahhh but the silver lining of it all is this......I too got a birds nest necklace. And there is no amount of Budokon DVD's that can compare to that! What a lucky girl am I......
Recovering Christmas-aholic
Christmas 05:
Sooooooo, Does anyone else want to just vomit to purge their system of Xmas or is it just me?
Sooooooo, Does anyone else want to just vomit to purge their system of Xmas or is it just me?
Hybrids
It's the Good Hybrid/Bad Hybrid Report.
So in another crazy human obsession, much like our obsession with Collapsible Things, it came to light tonight that hybridization is sweeping the nation.
Flipping through the seed catalog that I get for no reason I understand, it hit me that we are struggling to create hybrids like crazy and for the potential good of mankind. So I guess we can list the hybrids in effect.
Hybrids - For the Overwhelming good of mankind
1. THe hybrid car...good for the environment - good for the wallet ok and they are getting better looking all the time.
2. The cheddar cauliflower - that's right there is now a Cheddar cauliflower that grows tinted a cheddar orangey color thanks to the beta carotenes that have been added. SO now we get double benefits for eating cauliflower. WOW but a little creepy.
3. The purple and orange carrot - (I did say I was reading a seed magazine) another vitamin and mineral beneficial root. It actually looks like a purple and orange flower when you look at a cross section of it. Also of interest is the Burpless Tasty Green Cucumber guaranteed to leave you bloat and burp free...hmm interesting
Other useful and health related hybrid and combined items:
Face Moisturizer with SPF
Eggs with extra Vitamin E
vacuums with Hepa Filters - Good product by the way
Santa Claus and the birth of Jesus
Gin and Tonic
Fragrant Bug Spray and skin softener
But what about Bad Hybrid Ideas? Perhaps we should have a list of things to avoid so we don't waste valuable research money on it...
Hi Fiber Krystal Burgers
any movie with Whoopi Goldberg cast opposite any b rated actor
Lipgloss that doubles as a mini vibrator
Underwear that automatically performs a prostate check
twisty cats - oh wait they did that already - you can check them out by googling twisty cat
hot salt water flavored cough drop - you know to skip the gargling part when you have a sore throat
wool carpet cleaning rag
So in another crazy human obsession, much like our obsession with Collapsible Things, it came to light tonight that hybridization is sweeping the nation.
Flipping through the seed catalog that I get for no reason I understand, it hit me that we are struggling to create hybrids like crazy and for the potential good of mankind. So I guess we can list the hybrids in effect.
Hybrids - For the Overwhelming good of mankind
1. THe hybrid car...good for the environment - good for the wallet ok and they are getting better looking all the time.
2. The cheddar cauliflower - that's right there is now a Cheddar cauliflower that grows tinted a cheddar orangey color thanks to the beta carotenes that have been added. SO now we get double benefits for eating cauliflower. WOW but a little creepy.
3. The purple and orange carrot - (I did say I was reading a seed magazine) another vitamin and mineral beneficial root. It actually looks like a purple and orange flower when you look at a cross section of it. Also of interest is the Burpless Tasty Green Cucumber guaranteed to leave you bloat and burp free...hmm interesting
Other useful and health related hybrid and combined items:
Face Moisturizer with SPF
Eggs with extra Vitamin E
vacuums with Hepa Filters - Good product by the way
Santa Claus and the birth of Jesus
Gin and Tonic
Fragrant Bug Spray and skin softener
But what about Bad Hybrid Ideas? Perhaps we should have a list of things to avoid so we don't waste valuable research money on it...
Hi Fiber Krystal Burgers
any movie with Whoopi Goldberg cast opposite any b rated actor
Lipgloss that doubles as a mini vibrator
Underwear that automatically performs a prostate check
twisty cats - oh wait they did that already - you can check them out by googling twisty cat
hot salt water flavored cough drop - you know to skip the gargling part when you have a sore throat
wool carpet cleaning rag
Peeves and Pleasures
So I guess I will start with the pleasures, which will be short not that I don't have lots of pleasures but there is one that I indulged in this evening that I thought worth mentioning.
Pleasure 1 - Standing in front of the hot oven with the door cracked open, shirt pulled out and letting all that intense heat warm me up...aaaaahhhh love it. Of course hair dryer up the shirt works equally well. Which makes me think I spend a lot of time just being cold.
ON to peeves which I have many more of but these are my top ones.
1. Wearing socks in the house and stepping in a random wet spot on the floor. Pisses me off. Why is there always a random wet spot on my floors that I ALWAYS step in?!?! WHY?!?!
2. People who cut their finger nails in public places. I don't know, it has always just held a gross factor for me. Perhaps it is the click of the clipper and I know that a nail fragment is flying through the air somewhere!
3. People who write something in pencil and then try to erase it with an eraser that is already below the metal part on the pencil so all you have is that evil scratchy noise and shredded paper look. uuugh that gives me chills......................
4. Coming home, in a hurry to get inside and get groceries put up, or etc etc when the freakin neighbor is waiting on me as soon as I open the car door to get out and wants to talk to me for 30 minutes in the freezin cold. PISSES ME OFF. And of course because he is a little slow I feel bad being mean, but he doesn't understand the "appropriate I'll talk to you later signals"!!! @&$@%@&!!! I am now scanning my driveway to make sure the neighbor is not outside when I come home. If he is, I just keep driving past my own darn house until he is done with his smoke and goes back in!
5. Cat hairball upchucks...need I say more. I think not.
6. Sayings by my mother that try to explain fair, semi- bad, and bad things that happen to me in a way that insinuate that these things are directly proportional to my sinful lifestyle. And we are neither Irish Catholic, Jewish nor snakehandlers. This of course merits an entirely new post.
Pleasure 1 - Standing in front of the hot oven with the door cracked open, shirt pulled out and letting all that intense heat warm me up...aaaaahhhh love it. Of course hair dryer up the shirt works equally well. Which makes me think I spend a lot of time just being cold.
ON to peeves which I have many more of but these are my top ones.
1. Wearing socks in the house and stepping in a random wet spot on the floor. Pisses me off. Why is there always a random wet spot on my floors that I ALWAYS step in?!?! WHY?!?!
2. People who cut their finger nails in public places. I don't know, it has always just held a gross factor for me. Perhaps it is the click of the clipper and I know that a nail fragment is flying through the air somewhere!
3. People who write something in pencil and then try to erase it with an eraser that is already below the metal part on the pencil so all you have is that evil scratchy noise and shredded paper look. uuugh that gives me chills......................
4. Coming home, in a hurry to get inside and get groceries put up, or etc etc when the freakin neighbor is waiting on me as soon as I open the car door to get out and wants to talk to me for 30 minutes in the freezin cold. PISSES ME OFF. And of course because he is a little slow I feel bad being mean, but he doesn't understand the "appropriate I'll talk to you later signals"!!! @&$@%@&!!! I am now scanning my driveway to make sure the neighbor is not outside when I come home. If he is, I just keep driving past my own darn house until he is done with his smoke and goes back in!
5. Cat hairball upchucks...need I say more. I think not.
6. Sayings by my mother that try to explain fair, semi- bad, and bad things that happen to me in a way that insinuate that these things are directly proportional to my sinful lifestyle. And we are neither Irish Catholic, Jewish nor snakehandlers. This of course merits an entirely new post.
Collapsible Things
I don't think we ever really pay attention to how we, as a society, appreciate collapsible things. SO in a tribute to CT here is my list of cool and unique collapsible things.
1. Collapsible Christmas Trees - pre-lit pre decorated you just push a button and it mechanically rises out of a box and TaDah you have tree. Amazingly lazy.
2. Collapsible file folders - personally I have one and you can just shove 20 inches of paperwork in one and shut it and and you have about 18.5 bulging inches of space left
3. Space Saver bags - just throw in clothing or bedding that is not made of silk or taffeta or any material that is slick and you can suck that joker down to a pancake using the vacuum.
4. Lungs - Just amazing that they can deflate and then be re-inflated. Of course when you go to get a cortisone shot in the chest and the nurse says "I hope you are not nervous. THe Dr has only punctured a lung once" , well that doesn't really put you at ease!
5. Collapsible Golf umbrellas - I swear they take an umbrella with a 10 foot diameter and by the time you are done retracting and folding you are left with a 3 inch stick. AMAZINGLY expensive
6. Collapsible Cane chairs - once again a clarification - not chairs made of cane wood but wooden canes used by the elderly and cripple which once unfolded can be opened into beautiful Chippendale style chairs and then folded back down into a sleek circular walking stick - really!
(AND NO I DONT WANT TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF CANE AS WOOD!!)
7-20...collapsible eating utensils - and the point would be?
collapsible tables - very useful when you have more people at your house than you would like
collapsible swimming pools - def the latest trend in CT's
collapsible lunchboxes - because the small lunch box takes up SO much room in your locker/desk
travel grills, camping gear, portable toilets, frisbees, cups, spyglasses, and toothbrushes etc etc
Love the Collapsible obsession....astronomer "I just invented the worlds largest telescope and have discovered life on a planet in another galaxy" The rest of the world " umm yesss...but is there any way you could just sort of fold it up or retract it? Yeah...that would be great..."
1. Collapsible Christmas Trees - pre-lit pre decorated you just push a button and it mechanically rises out of a box and TaDah you have tree. Amazingly lazy.
2. Collapsible file folders - personally I have one and you can just shove 20 inches of paperwork in one and shut it and and you have about 18.5 bulging inches of space left
3. Space Saver bags - just throw in clothing or bedding that is not made of silk or taffeta or any material that is slick and you can suck that joker down to a pancake using the vacuum.
4. Lungs - Just amazing that they can deflate and then be re-inflated. Of course when you go to get a cortisone shot in the chest and the nurse says "I hope you are not nervous. THe Dr has only punctured a lung once" , well that doesn't really put you at ease!
5. Collapsible Golf umbrellas - I swear they take an umbrella with a 10 foot diameter and by the time you are done retracting and folding you are left with a 3 inch stick. AMAZINGLY expensive
6. Collapsible Cane chairs - once again a clarification - not chairs made of cane wood but wooden canes used by the elderly and cripple which once unfolded can be opened into beautiful Chippendale style chairs and then folded back down into a sleek circular walking stick - really!
(AND NO I DONT WANT TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF CANE AS WOOD!!)
7-20...collapsible eating utensils - and the point would be?
collapsible tables - very useful when you have more people at your house than you would like
collapsible swimming pools - def the latest trend in CT's
collapsible lunchboxes - because the small lunch box takes up SO much room in your locker/desk
travel grills, camping gear, portable toilets, frisbees, cups, spyglasses, and toothbrushes etc etc
Love the Collapsible obsession....astronomer "I just invented the worlds largest telescope and have discovered life on a planet in another galaxy" The rest of the world " umm yesss...but is there any way you could just sort of fold it up or retract it? Yeah...that would be great..."
To Bug
TO my friend Nat who is now an official attorney:
This is my dedication to my friend bug who is now officially 1/2 way through law school!! YAY BUG!!! SO I thought I may regale you with a little story on how to celebrate this occasion.
I went out to the big town of Nashville, and of course for some reason I got to see some very incredible sights. But there was one in particular that reminded me of you and your great acheivement.
SO I am standing on the very busy club lined street just staring for no particular reason at the horse drawn buggy. Big belgian horse is just standing there when this incredibly drunk, wobbly, and fish netted hooker on a cell phone comes up to "pay-yet the purty horrrrrrsssseeeeyy" Well the horse either didnt like the whisky breath or the whiny voice one so he lifted his head at her and knocked her over a couple times back to the sidewalk. It was the damn funniest thing I have seen in a while. As it turns out she wasnt actually a hooker but a 1/2 way through law school law student who just happened to be celebrating with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 with her pal the chinese pizza delivery boy and the midget from the tattoo emporium. Sooooo that suggestion I gave you on how to celebrate, you may want to ignore it if you don't want to end up in fish net tights!
Until Niagara Falls or if you recall Until Snow White is Shit Brown
Congrats
This is my dedication to my friend bug who is now officially 1/2 way through law school!! YAY BUG!!! SO I thought I may regale you with a little story on how to celebrate this occasion.
I went out to the big town of Nashville, and of course for some reason I got to see some very incredible sights. But there was one in particular that reminded me of you and your great acheivement.
SO I am standing on the very busy club lined street just staring for no particular reason at the horse drawn buggy. Big belgian horse is just standing there when this incredibly drunk, wobbly, and fish netted hooker on a cell phone comes up to "pay-yet the purty horrrrrrsssseeeeyy" Well the horse either didnt like the whisky breath or the whiny voice one so he lifted his head at her and knocked her over a couple times back to the sidewalk. It was the damn funniest thing I have seen in a while. As it turns out she wasnt actually a hooker but a 1/2 way through law school law student who just happened to be celebrating with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 with her pal the chinese pizza delivery boy and the midget from the tattoo emporium. Sooooo that suggestion I gave you on how to celebrate, you may want to ignore it if you don't want to end up in fish net tights!
Until Niagara Falls or if you recall Until Snow White is Shit Brown
Congrats
Picklegrits and Ebay
Ok.. you have to reference the very first blog to know the backstory here:
Well I finally got a tracking number for my item from old dead PickleGrits as I like to call Granny Pearl my dead ebay partner. And I did NOT order elvis soaps or corn callus remover.
It is somewhat surreal to technically carry on a transaction with an actual cold one - as i like to call the dead - Of course her family is doing the leg work but it is still her auction. Feel as if she is directing it all from the grave.
You do what you can I suppose. Of course what this means to me is this,
new ebay slogan
EBAY and DEATH...Bid without fear....WHat are you waiting for..Eternity?
or maybe
Ebay and THE DEAD....a Partnership of Power
or
Ebay: Bid Happy, Bid Often, Bid Cold....We don't care
Well I finally got a tracking number for my item from old dead PickleGrits as I like to call Granny Pearl my dead ebay partner. And I did NOT order elvis soaps or corn callus remover.
It is somewhat surreal to technically carry on a transaction with an actual cold one - as i like to call the dead - Of course her family is doing the leg work but it is still her auction. Feel as if she is directing it all from the grave.
You do what you can I suppose. Of course what this means to me is this,
new ebay slogan
EBAY and DEATH...Bid without fear....WHat are you waiting for..Eternity?
or maybe
Ebay and THE DEAD....a Partnership of Power
or
Ebay: Bid Happy, Bid Often, Bid Cold....We don't care
Average Women's Secrets
2005...2009... still applicable I'd say:
Ok let me clarify, it is the secrets of the average woman, not average secrets of exceptional women. It starts like this. I am just lazing in the shower, which is secret #1 really. Average woman with children's escape - the shower!! Typically no one follows you in. Well sometimes the 3 yr old runs and jumps in and spends MY shower time sliding from one end of the tub to the other. But not so today. I just left the kids alone and escaped. And I thought maybe I might just shave my legs but the water was just so warm that all i could do was the sway. Then the reverie was broken as the 6 yr old came in screaming fanatically about a fire in the house. OH MY GOD! THey've been playing with matches again probably. SO i grab a towel and my mind is racing about how it has FINALLY happened. I am going to be outside my burning house in nothing but a too small towel, some seriously unshaven legs, a greenish clay facial mask still caked on me face...and voila! the Glory. Turns out the "fire" was only all the steam from the shower billowing into the damn bedroom. Glad there was no fire but a little perturbed that my reverie was so horridly shattered. Which brings me to the secrets of an average woman with kids. Let's just get them out there, free myself and indulge all the clueless guys who think marriage is about getting poonanny anytime they want.(hehehe i said poonanny)
#1. You will have sex WAY less once you are married esp with kids. There is probably a very mathematical ratio for this in which the more kids, the less sexual encounters you have of any kind. It happens. TO everyone.
#2. Silky smooth legs HAHAHAHAHA nope forget it! Moms rarely have time for a shower let alone time to shave those legs that the men dont get to touch anyway, not to mention bikini, pits, etc etc etc ....However, weird equation here...while you may see a nice looking, well dressed lady at the store, she prob has 2" long leg and pit hairs, a crazy ass "fun patch" for lack of better terms, BUT no doubt she has taken pains to pluck every last stray eyebrow because THAT is so much more noticeable than gorilla legs, oh and heaven forbid there be a chin hair.
#3. Women like meat. I dont care how friggin vegetarian you are, if you grew up eating meat you STILL like it. My sister is a vegetarian and I am FOREVER catching her eating BBQ and turkey.
BTW - she is not a vegetarian any more...for the most part.
Ok let me clarify, it is the secrets of the average woman, not average secrets of exceptional women. It starts like this. I am just lazing in the shower, which is secret #1 really. Average woman with children's escape - the shower!! Typically no one follows you in. Well sometimes the 3 yr old runs and jumps in and spends MY shower time sliding from one end of the tub to the other. But not so today. I just left the kids alone and escaped. And I thought maybe I might just shave my legs but the water was just so warm that all i could do was the sway. Then the reverie was broken as the 6 yr old came in screaming fanatically about a fire in the house. OH MY GOD! THey've been playing with matches again probably. SO i grab a towel and my mind is racing about how it has FINALLY happened. I am going to be outside my burning house in nothing but a too small towel, some seriously unshaven legs, a greenish clay facial mask still caked on me face...and voila! the Glory. Turns out the "fire" was only all the steam from the shower billowing into the damn bedroom. Glad there was no fire but a little perturbed that my reverie was so horridly shattered. Which brings me to the secrets of an average woman with kids. Let's just get them out there, free myself and indulge all the clueless guys who think marriage is about getting poonanny anytime they want.(hehehe i said poonanny)
#1. You will have sex WAY less once you are married esp with kids. There is probably a very mathematical ratio for this in which the more kids, the less sexual encounters you have of any kind. It happens. TO everyone.
#2. Silky smooth legs HAHAHAHAHA nope forget it! Moms rarely have time for a shower let alone time to shave those legs that the men dont get to touch anyway, not to mention bikini, pits, etc etc etc ....However, weird equation here...while you may see a nice looking, well dressed lady at the store, she prob has 2" long leg and pit hairs, a crazy ass "fun patch" for lack of better terms, BUT no doubt she has taken pains to pluck every last stray eyebrow because THAT is so much more noticeable than gorilla legs, oh and heaven forbid there be a chin hair.
#3. Women like meat. I dont care how friggin vegetarian you are, if you grew up eating meat you STILL like it. My sister is a vegetarian and I am FOREVER catching her eating BBQ and turkey.
BTW - she is not a vegetarian any more...for the most part.
Women and the Pimps who Scorn Them... 2005
2005 Recap:
Well I am on a role tonight and inspired by the last blog entry I feel we should note the great effort of men this year to push women at least back into the kitchen if not the stone age.
So here is the A-list of the females and the men who bitch slapped them...
Mary-Kate and Ashley vs. The reporter who simply stated that even with their own make- up line, there was no way to hide their orangutuan inspired features!! - ooh cruel and harsh - I mean let's cut the twin stick figures some slack - or as daddy likes to call them...my little money monkeys. oops...well so what if they resemble one of our apish friends, let's not draw attention to it. After all self esteem is something one really can't buy in LA and apparently you can't find it in rehab either.
Any woman who dated Colin Farrell vs. Colin Farrell Yeah I probably spelled your name wrong you egomaniacal man (note that you can't have egomaniacal without the man in the middle) He lists his favorite personality trait as megalomania. FOr those with a small dictionary - it means ME MAN
CARRY BIG STICK...Get your head out of your bum and your dick out of the 1/3 of the female population you copulated with this year...try Sexaholics Anonymous - it worked for Michael Douglas and he now has the benefit of being 70 and getting to bone catherine zeta-jones once a month.
Katie Holmes vs.Tom Cruise Why well because he just flat out took advantage of her sweet and trusting dispostion. In fact I can picture tom saying "yeah I like it in dis position right here...oh yeah" Ask Katie a
year ago if she thought she would become a scientologist, get preggers and have her own sweet man buy an ultrasound to "watch" the baby...well you might think it was a plot to one of the thrillers she so likes to do. Run girl...GET AWAY!!! Do NOT let him give the baby to the aliens.
My friend Dena vs.her sorry ass boyfriend I was obligated to put her on the list as her fella is just a loser who spends more time in womens clothes than she does. Plus he had her move to Montana so he could "harvest timber"...the only thing he has ever harvested has been a nickel bag of weed. Loser!
Kate Moss vs. the Wiley Reporter who set her up and caught her on video doing cocaine and sold it to everyone!! But he missed the point entirely. So what if she was doing 1 or 10 lines of cocaine, back when she started modeling the main menu was to snort down a 1/2 brick of heroine. I say that is a good sign that she has given up a bad habit for a good one. If you had to look that austere (bummed out, ravaged) walking down the runway, you would have to be coming down from a good high. As long as she doesn't tilt right off the catwalk, let her strut her stuff.
Sienna Miller vs. Jude Law because he just cant keep his snogging stick in his pants. Bad enough that your unwed girlfriend is preggers when you do it, but to do it with the BABYSITTER. Sienne and Jude, note to selves, DO NOT HIRE A HOT BABYSITTER!! Next time try a gay sitter and if Jude finds himself in bed with the sitter then, well there may be a whole new issue other than infidelity that Jude has to deal with.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Brad freaking Pitt - even his publicist cant put a spin on the Brangelina fiasco.
My Cat vs. Her Daddy well it is a tragic year and a sordid story of the rape of my teenage cat by her father, the ensuing impregnation, and then the birth of kittens of highly questionable intelligence. Just tragic.
Rebecca vs. Randall and in perhaps the WORST PUBLIC BITCH SLAPPING EPISODE OF 2005 - Randall denies Rebecca on the Apprentice the opportunity to oversee an entirely different project than his ALL because he didn't want to share that coveted title of Apprentii with Rebecca. NOW Randall, didn't your momma teach you how to play fair? BUt as we all know, they were both stars, Randalls slowly fizzing out and Rebeccas...well it is just shining brighter than ever. You go girl, and tell Randall he aint yo Huggy Bear no mo'
Well I am on a role tonight and inspired by the last blog entry I feel we should note the great effort of men this year to push women at least back into the kitchen if not the stone age.
So here is the A-list of the females and the men who bitch slapped them...
Mary-Kate and Ashley vs. The reporter who simply stated that even with their own make- up line, there was no way to hide their orangutuan inspired features!! - ooh cruel and harsh - I mean let's cut the twin stick figures some slack - or as daddy likes to call them...my little money monkeys. oops...well so what if they resemble one of our apish friends, let's not draw attention to it. After all self esteem is something one really can't buy in LA and apparently you can't find it in rehab either.
Any woman who dated Colin Farrell vs. Colin Farrell Yeah I probably spelled your name wrong you egomaniacal man (note that you can't have egomaniacal without the man in the middle) He lists his favorite personality trait as megalomania. FOr those with a small dictionary - it means ME MAN
CARRY BIG STICK...Get your head out of your bum and your dick out of the 1/3 of the female population you copulated with this year...try Sexaholics Anonymous - it worked for Michael Douglas and he now has the benefit of being 70 and getting to bone catherine zeta-jones once a month.
Katie Holmes vs.Tom Cruise Why well because he just flat out took advantage of her sweet and trusting dispostion. In fact I can picture tom saying "yeah I like it in dis position right here...oh yeah" Ask Katie a
year ago if she thought she would become a scientologist, get preggers and have her own sweet man buy an ultrasound to "watch" the baby...well you might think it was a plot to one of the thrillers she so likes to do. Run girl...GET AWAY!!! Do NOT let him give the baby to the aliens.
My friend Dena vs.her sorry ass boyfriend I was obligated to put her on the list as her fella is just a loser who spends more time in womens clothes than she does. Plus he had her move to Montana so he could "harvest timber"...the only thing he has ever harvested has been a nickel bag of weed. Loser!
Kate Moss vs. the Wiley Reporter who set her up and caught her on video doing cocaine and sold it to everyone!! But he missed the point entirely. So what if she was doing 1 or 10 lines of cocaine, back when she started modeling the main menu was to snort down a 1/2 brick of heroine. I say that is a good sign that she has given up a bad habit for a good one. If you had to look that austere (bummed out, ravaged) walking down the runway, you would have to be coming down from a good high. As long as she doesn't tilt right off the catwalk, let her strut her stuff.
Sienna Miller vs. Jude Law because he just cant keep his snogging stick in his pants. Bad enough that your unwed girlfriend is preggers when you do it, but to do it with the BABYSITTER. Sienne and Jude, note to selves, DO NOT HIRE A HOT BABYSITTER!! Next time try a gay sitter and if Jude finds himself in bed with the sitter then, well there may be a whole new issue other than infidelity that Jude has to deal with.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Brad freaking Pitt - even his publicist cant put a spin on the Brangelina fiasco.
My Cat vs. Her Daddy well it is a tragic year and a sordid story of the rape of my teenage cat by her father, the ensuing impregnation, and then the birth of kittens of highly questionable intelligence. Just tragic.
Rebecca vs. Randall and in perhaps the WORST PUBLIC BITCH SLAPPING EPISODE OF 2005 - Randall denies Rebecca on the Apprentice the opportunity to oversee an entirely different project than his ALL because he didn't want to share that coveted title of Apprentii with Rebecca. NOW Randall, didn't your momma teach you how to play fair? BUt as we all know, they were both stars, Randalls slowly fizzing out and Rebeccas...well it is just shining brighter than ever. You go girl, and tell Randall he aint yo Huggy Bear no mo'
Randall Pimp Slaps Rebecca
Wow this one is a throw back. 2nd Season of the Apprentice I believe:
Last night on the season finale of THE Apprentice - Randall finally flexed his negroid muscle and pimp slapped Rebecca back to grammar school. Why? My guess is greed and the threat this young and extremely talented girl posed. Sure they would be on seperate projects, but two shining stars in a Billion Dollar company is just one star too many. Apparently it is one star too many even for a television series (no wonder the women of Desperate Housewives fame can't get along). So when Randall held the fate of Rebecca's professional career in his hands, there was no reciprocating his "respect" he long claimed for her as a contemporary and "friend". How she kept from leaping out of that chair and beating that bald head with Trumps name plate is beyond me. So when the Today show inevitably confronted Randall he used the ever so lame example of an Olympic Gold Medalist sharing the gold with the silver medalist. Come on Randall!! Do you really expect us to believe that was the only excuse you, a Rhodes Scholar, could muster. It isn't even comparable. The Olympic is a moment in time that is centered on people competing for the same position. Rebecca didn't even choose the same project as you. Not to mention you dashed her dreams completely of pursuing a long term position. The silver medalist walks away with A SILVER MEDAL!! Rebecca walked away with nothing. Nothing that is except her dignity. And of course she couldn't have said it better..."I would have hired Randall. You don't want to turn away anyone that brings great potential as an employee especially in a managment position"...well stated Rebecca. Off you go. The year of women scorned - you should hook up with Jennifer Anniston and you two can chat about the public bitch slaps you both endured. And dear Randall, Congratulations! You will now be forever known as the greedy destroyer Pimp Bastard of 2005.
Last night on the season finale of THE Apprentice - Randall finally flexed his negroid muscle and pimp slapped Rebecca back to grammar school. Why? My guess is greed and the threat this young and extremely talented girl posed. Sure they would be on seperate projects, but two shining stars in a Billion Dollar company is just one star too many. Apparently it is one star too many even for a television series (no wonder the women of Desperate Housewives fame can't get along). So when Randall held the fate of Rebecca's professional career in his hands, there was no reciprocating his "respect" he long claimed for her as a contemporary and "friend". How she kept from leaping out of that chair and beating that bald head with Trumps name plate is beyond me. So when the Today show inevitably confronted Randall he used the ever so lame example of an Olympic Gold Medalist sharing the gold with the silver medalist. Come on Randall!! Do you really expect us to believe that was the only excuse you, a Rhodes Scholar, could muster. It isn't even comparable. The Olympic is a moment in time that is centered on people competing for the same position. Rebecca didn't even choose the same project as you. Not to mention you dashed her dreams completely of pursuing a long term position. The silver medalist walks away with A SILVER MEDAL!! Rebecca walked away with nothing. Nothing that is except her dignity. And of course she couldn't have said it better..."I would have hired Randall. You don't want to turn away anyone that brings great potential as an employee especially in a managment position"...well stated Rebecca. Off you go. The year of women scorned - you should hook up with Jennifer Anniston and you two can chat about the public bitch slaps you both endured. And dear Randall, Congratulations! You will now be forever known as the greedy destroyer Pimp Bastard of 2005.
Conversations with Paris Hilton - dec 06
Truth: After the release of the first Harry Potter - Today show interviews w/ Paris and Daniel Radcliffe.
D Radcliffe (The guy who plays Harry Potter): "So I am like waving my wand around when I notice my wizards cloak was stuck on Dumbledor's phoenix and I accidentally sent it flying across the
room - literally - and we just laughed. IT was the best blooper of the movie!
Paris: "Oh yeah? That's totally hot!"
TGWPHP:(the guy who plays Harry potter obviously) "Yeah so how are you enjoying being an actress and an author?"
Paris: "um yeah it's hot! I'm mostly an heiress though. Bet I can make your wizrd's wand...um...
you know....what i mean is, have you ever seen my porno? I can teach you things."
TGWPHP: "WHat?! You cant be serious. I'm like 13 and you've got to be at least 22."
Paris: "Yeah that's hot!"
TGWPHP: "Nooo, that is a little sick actually. I think I have to go now. My mum is
expecting me. Later."
Paris: "Bye you naughty bitch. I'll see you after the interview."
D Radcliffe (The guy who plays Harry Potter): "So I am like waving my wand around when I notice my wizards cloak was stuck on Dumbledor's phoenix and I accidentally sent it flying across the
room - literally - and we just laughed. IT was the best blooper of the movie!
Paris: "Oh yeah? That's totally hot!"
TGWPHP:(the guy who plays Harry potter obviously) "Yeah so how are you enjoying being an actress and an author?"
Paris: "um yeah it's hot! I'm mostly an heiress though. Bet I can make your wizrd's wand...um...
you know....what i mean is, have you ever seen my porno? I can teach you things."
TGWPHP: "WHat?! You cant be serious. I'm like 13 and you've got to be at least 22."
Paris: "Yeah that's hot!"
TGWPHP: "Nooo, that is a little sick actually. I think I have to go now. My mum is
expecting me. Later."
Paris: "Bye you naughty bitch. I'll see you after the interview."
At War with Dead Ebay Seller - dec '06
Based on 80% truth unfortunately:
Ugh Well it finally happened. After a full onslaught of threats about negative feedback, retracted payments, and a barrage of emails and maybe even a little psycho phone call after a rather tedious online search... I received the following message in my inbox...
'Sorry for the delay. I will ship your item immediately! My Granny Pearl was the seller
for the item but she passed unexpectedly. We found her slumped over the computer.
For several days we noticed her phone line was always busy but this was a crazy time of
year for her ebay sales so we shrugged it off thinking she was just filling a tremendous
amount of orders for her homemade Elvis soaps and corn callus remover.'
OF course I promptly forwarded the message to mission control at ebay, pissed that someone was trying to make an ass of me because they "forgot" to send my item because someone "died". As if. So I demanded a death certificate. OH yes I did!! I replied to the seller in like.
Ebay claims they cannot provide such information as they do not have access to it and it falls outside the realm of claim disputes. SO, I'm just going to start selling all kinds of crap on ebay with all the other crap on there, collect payment, dont send the item and THEN claim a death.
As it turns out, the seller did ship my item but was highly incensed at the death cert request. However, she photocopied it and attached a pic of a sweet little old granny in a bonnet sitting at the computer with a toothless grin. DAMNATION! Who would think that a ebay seller with the name HanksHotOnes would be a granny? I mean why wouldn't she pick something age appropriate like PickleGrits?
I have to laugh and remind myself that it wasn't heart failure caused by those emails I sent. I only jokingly mentioned stealing his/her identity for porn purchases and then hunting him/her down and boiling his/her rabbit in front his/her snot nosed brats. Surely she didn't think I was serious. After all, who keeps rabbits around the house these days?
Ugh Well it finally happened. After a full onslaught of threats about negative feedback, retracted payments, and a barrage of emails and maybe even a little psycho phone call after a rather tedious online search... I received the following message in my inbox...
'Sorry for the delay. I will ship your item immediately! My Granny Pearl was the seller
for the item but she passed unexpectedly. We found her slumped over the computer.
For several days we noticed her phone line was always busy but this was a crazy time of
year for her ebay sales so we shrugged it off thinking she was just filling a tremendous
amount of orders for her homemade Elvis soaps and corn callus remover.'
OF course I promptly forwarded the message to mission control at ebay, pissed that someone was trying to make an ass of me because they "forgot" to send my item because someone "died". As if. So I demanded a death certificate. OH yes I did!! I replied to the seller in like.
Ebay claims they cannot provide such information as they do not have access to it and it falls outside the realm of claim disputes. SO, I'm just going to start selling all kinds of crap on ebay with all the other crap on there, collect payment, dont send the item and THEN claim a death.
As it turns out, the seller did ship my item but was highly incensed at the death cert request. However, she photocopied it and attached a pic of a sweet little old granny in a bonnet sitting at the computer with a toothless grin. DAMNATION! Who would think that a ebay seller with the name HanksHotOnes would be a granny? I mean why wouldn't she pick something age appropriate like PickleGrits?
I have to laugh and remind myself that it wasn't heart failure caused by those emails I sent. I only jokingly mentioned stealing his/her identity for porn purchases and then hunting him/her down and boiling his/her rabbit in front his/her snot nosed brats. Surely she didn't think I was serious. After all, who keeps rabbits around the house these days?
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