I was thinking about old people today. REALLY REALLY OLD people. Their skin reminds me of burlap potato sacks which I find rather charming and comforting for some reason. And it reminds me to not try to rush my life. I guess there really is a time for all things and just rushing ahead makes you arrive at a place that isnt quite ready for you. And then what do you do? Wait around unbearably I suppose until purpose catches up with you. But I digress. There is a time for digressing too apparently, and I do that one a lot - in conversation that is.
So what is dangerous about old potatoey type skin? Well hmmmm - i guess the same things that are dangerous for old burlap potato sacks in general such as mold and dry rot and open flames.
I think it will be great to be old - as long as I am healthy enough to not need daily shots and can still get around without having to rely on kids, grandkids, neighbors or do-gooders. Oh yeah - and hopefully I am not living alone either. I will definitely make use of the liberal demandingness that is a law of nature for the severely elderly. And I can see the justification. By golly sonny, give me a piece of that damn pie and I don't care if my sugar puts me in a coma as I'm just as likely to not wake up in the morning anyway.
PS Liam Neeson really isnt dangerous but I couldnt come up with any liaisons that were dangerous for potato sacks. Plus I might start a rumor that Liam Neeson likes to use his wealth to hire young men to beat up the elderly in elevators for his amusement.
11.02.2009
Teeny Weenies
Some teeny weeny pleasures....
#1. Going to the car after shopping, especially if I got a great spot near the front of the store. Of course only a pleasure when there is some ass STILL waiting and blocking traffic who actually thinks I am going to rush and pull out to let them snatch the spot. REally if they had just gone ahead and parked, even at the back of the lot, they could already be in the store by the time I actually and honestly got into the car. BUT this is about pleasure and I guess in a sordid way - punishment. Not for me. I am the punisher - a modern parking lot dominatrix....I will TELL you when you can park and where!GRRRR. I digress. Very convenient when the kids are with me because then I can take an extra 20 min just messing around with them. Usually most parking spot vultures will move on by then. But if I am alone - i find it a good time to start the car - let it cool down - balance the checkbook - drink my water - play with my hair - find a great song on the radio after a couple of tries - you know...the usual stuff. Now I must note that I don't pull that crap if the person waiting is elderly but in my experience it is always someone young that needs to be getting the exercise anyway. Hear what I'm sayin? darn lot spot snatching vultures.
Speaking of lots and snatch - the next pleasure
#2. Knowing that there is several classes of prostitutes out there and one group that caters specifically to truckers. A friend of mine says they are called Lot Lizards! I love that - so much more clever than just being called street ho. If i do decide to join the oldest profession - i may cater to truckers too - I mean at least there is a bed right in the back of the truck and usually a little restaurant to grab some grub after working up an appetite. Gotta love Lot Lizards.
#1. Going to the car after shopping, especially if I got a great spot near the front of the store. Of course only a pleasure when there is some ass STILL waiting and blocking traffic who actually thinks I am going to rush and pull out to let them snatch the spot. REally if they had just gone ahead and parked, even at the back of the lot, they could already be in the store by the time I actually and honestly got into the car. BUT this is about pleasure and I guess in a sordid way - punishment. Not for me. I am the punisher - a modern parking lot dominatrix....I will TELL you when you can park and where!GRRRR. I digress. Very convenient when the kids are with me because then I can take an extra 20 min just messing around with them. Usually most parking spot vultures will move on by then. But if I am alone - i find it a good time to start the car - let it cool down - balance the checkbook - drink my water - play with my hair - find a great song on the radio after a couple of tries - you know...the usual stuff. Now I must note that I don't pull that crap if the person waiting is elderly but in my experience it is always someone young that needs to be getting the exercise anyway. Hear what I'm sayin? darn lot spot snatching vultures.
Speaking of lots and snatch - the next pleasure
#2. Knowing that there is several classes of prostitutes out there and one group that caters specifically to truckers. A friend of mine says they are called Lot Lizards! I love that - so much more clever than just being called street ho. If i do decide to join the oldest profession - i may cater to truckers too - I mean at least there is a bed right in the back of the truck and usually a little restaurant to grab some grub after working up an appetite. Gotta love Lot Lizards.
Truck Balls
That should really about say it all don't you think. TRUCK BALLS!!!!!
I saw it today, fake though fairly real looking balls hanging from the back of a truck. I guess they were a little bigger than normal, perhaps they were more like Shaq's balls - only white.
Me:"Oh my gosh! DOES THAT TRUCK HAVE BALLS?"
SO(signif other) :"um yeah" so unimpressed
Me:"I really can't believe some ignorant damn redneck would put balls, strategically placed even, on his truck and drive around like that. WHat does that mean? That he doesnt have some little sissy truck - his truck has REAL balls. That is just so stupid" (incredulous little rant - hoping never to have to explain to 6 yr old why there are balls, nads, nards, gems, moneybags, nuts, etc etc hanging from a truck)
SO:"um it's not that uncommon. It's been around for a while."
blah blah habla habla what ever. So disinterested.
I'VE NEVER seen truck balls before. Where the hell has the SO been to see truck balls. Probably used to have a pair.
So the guy driving the truck wasnt just some little punk kid like I half expected but a 70 year old man. uuuuuughghgh
Maybe they are actually his............
I saw it today, fake though fairly real looking balls hanging from the back of a truck. I guess they were a little bigger than normal, perhaps they were more like Shaq's balls - only white.
Me:"Oh my gosh! DOES THAT TRUCK HAVE BALLS?"
SO(signif other) :"um yeah" so unimpressed
Me:"I really can't believe some ignorant damn redneck would put balls, strategically placed even, on his truck and drive around like that. WHat does that mean? That he doesnt have some little sissy truck - his truck has REAL balls. That is just so stupid" (incredulous little rant - hoping never to have to explain to 6 yr old why there are balls, nads, nards, gems, moneybags, nuts, etc etc hanging from a truck)
SO:"um it's not that uncommon. It's been around for a while."
blah blah habla habla what ever. So disinterested.
I'VE NEVER seen truck balls before. Where the hell has the SO been to see truck balls. Probably used to have a pair.
So the guy driving the truck wasnt just some little punk kid like I half expected but a 70 year old man. uuuuuughghgh
Maybe they are actually his............
Preyed Upon Again
I am SUCH a sucker for a fast talking estee lauder lady. yet AGAIN, I am sucked into the estee lauder black hole in the dept store. AND i was so hoping to get out of there without purchasing anything. BUT SHE WAS SOOOO GOOD! SO PERSUASIVE!
Damn her for preying on my blossoming wrinkle awareness.
"You need collagen repletion honey to keep that youthful look"
"I DO?" - secretly thinking Oh my GOD am I like all wrinkly in this lighting
"Yes you just put this on and use it for a month and if you dont see any difference I will buy it back from you"
----oooh nice offer. Then she makes me feel it and smell it and tells me how well it will work for me. GOD the estee lauder people are finally stopping me to tell me about skin care....whimper....then they show you the mirror that maximizes you skin...eeeeeee.....ok ok Just put it in the bag and let me go puh-lease....
and of course 70 bucks later, I am walking out of the store with new face in a bag. Fortunately buyers remorse won't hit me until a month later when i realize it really doesnt do what it is supposed to.
Damn her for preying on my blossoming wrinkle awareness.
"You need collagen repletion honey to keep that youthful look"
"I DO?" - secretly thinking Oh my GOD am I like all wrinkly in this lighting
"Yes you just put this on and use it for a month and if you dont see any difference I will buy it back from you"
----oooh nice offer. Then she makes me feel it and smell it and tells me how well it will work for me. GOD the estee lauder people are finally stopping me to tell me about skin care....whimper....then they show you the mirror that maximizes you skin...eeeeeee.....ok ok Just put it in the bag and let me go puh-lease....
and of course 70 bucks later, I am walking out of the store with new face in a bag. Fortunately buyers remorse won't hit me until a month later when i realize it really doesnt do what it is supposed to.
What the Hell Am I Doing Here?
I try to like most people but there are just some days that I think it is impossible. Does anyone realize how MANY freakin unhappy people there are out there? There must be gajillions - seriously. AND I MET 3/4 of them last saturday! I try to be happy - it is healthier. And I was trucking on along in a pretty content state all last week AND THEN THERE WAS THE SATURDAY NEIGHBORHOOD YARD SALE!!
Dear God,
I am writing to let you know I don't understand your mysterious ways. But I do want to thank you for letting me personally experience the product of many unhappy human interactions in a brief amount of time this Saturday. I am sure I am stronger for it and there is a lesson to be learned. I think it is this: I will strive to be happy even in adversity because most people who are outright angry are afflicted with painful genital warts which makes walking through blocks and blocks of yard sales a true test for the champion at heart.
PS Please do not smite me for my sarcasm. I accept it as my gift.
I ain't down with OPP...obnoxious people places
Wal-mart, Driver testing center, walmart and walmart, the tom cruise estate
I try to always be nice, but if one more person snaps, gripes, or just gets plain rude with me for no reason, I am SO going to come unglued. People just love to share their misery. well Most people - the general public. The population in general is just a beyotch.
Then it hits me, I am so not a yard sale type girl. Also not a snotty 30 something that carries around bottle water at the gym and doesnt break a sweat in the Butt and Gut class all the while complaining about my Dr husband and how I just NEED to have another Longerberger basket! Vapid Vapid Vapid Vapid so these are the people I ran into starting Thurs. AND I just kept thinking...what the hell am I doing here?
Dear God,
I am writing to let you know I don't understand your mysterious ways. But I do want to thank you for letting me personally experience the product of many unhappy human interactions in a brief amount of time this Saturday. I am sure I am stronger for it and there is a lesson to be learned. I think it is this: I will strive to be happy even in adversity because most people who are outright angry are afflicted with painful genital warts which makes walking through blocks and blocks of yard sales a true test for the champion at heart.
PS Please do not smite me for my sarcasm. I accept it as my gift.
I ain't down with OPP...obnoxious people places
Wal-mart, Driver testing center, walmart and walmart, the tom cruise estate
I try to always be nice, but if one more person snaps, gripes, or just gets plain rude with me for no reason, I am SO going to come unglued. People just love to share their misery. well Most people - the general public. The population in general is just a beyotch.
Then it hits me, I am so not a yard sale type girl. Also not a snotty 30 something that carries around bottle water at the gym and doesnt break a sweat in the Butt and Gut class all the while complaining about my Dr husband and how I just NEED to have another Longerberger basket! Vapid Vapid Vapid Vapid so these are the people I ran into starting Thurs. AND I just kept thinking...what the hell am I doing here?
Still Trippin'
That's right - still trippin over the waxing "incident". I was able to return the haired up sticky teeny spatula and rest of the wax to walmart. HAHA Suckers! And as much as I LOATHE the local walmart - i find myself more often than not meandering through the aisles. Meandering because I tend to go there about 9 at night when they pull out all the "new" merchandise into the aisles making it a customers obstacle course. I was sidetracked last night in the toy aisle by the 20Questions game. I suppose it is like an updated Magic 8 ball type thing. You think of something and then it guesses what it is. And the darn thing works most of the time. Except when I tried to do the SO (signif other) and it came up orangutan - which I find tremendously funny and dangerously accurate. Hard words to spell - orangutan and Guatemalan. Good thing there is not a Guatemalan orangutan.....must really stop writing blog entries past my bedtime. And just why exactly is the other so significant anyway? Apparently MY significant other (which I can only presume to mean your other half) is actually NOT the current SO. Thus it is safe to say that since 1 in 3 marriages end in divorce, that there are a lot of people out there inaccurately labeled to begin with as someone's significant other. Once again, ...must quit blogging when
tired, cranky, PMS'ing etc etc...a word I like....deliberations...no reason, just like the way it feels...
tired, cranky, PMS'ing etc etc...a word I like....deliberations...no reason, just like the way it feels...
Waxing Frenzy
Well I was going to title the next few blogs entries to the song I'm a creep - as in, this one was supposed to be I don't belong here - and really I DON'T - at least not in the ever popular World Of Waxing.
Holy Hell!! I for some reason beyond my comprehension, I was in the ever loathsome wal mart and I decided to browse the hair removal section. Really I needed a new head for the electric razor but they were 25 bucks so I thought it might be easier and cheaper just to wax. So I'm looking at all the "new...easy...Effortless...wash away" waxing kits. And as I am a waxing virgin with no better sense, I actually hoped this one kit would be the solution to all my shaving woes. No nicks, cuts and smooth as a baby's butt for 2 whole freakin months! YEAH! Boy was I pumped!
I bought it - took it home - let all the parts I was going wax grow out to 3/8 inch as directed. OOOOH I was already feeling so liberated! And it claims you can use this stuff ANYWHERE! So FINALLY I decide the hairy sasquatchian look was no longer for me and I was ready for brazilian bare. Trying to be "smart" about this I thought a nice hot shower would open the pores allowing the bulb of the hair to slide out so much better. And I open up the kit and smear on the cool waxing glue that was going to wash away! Then I notice the cloth strips, but I wasn't deterred and figured it couldn't be that bad - after all it is a booming business. And I gloop what I like to call super glue wax on to a teeny little plastic spatula - and I probably should have stopped as soon as the paddle was sticking to my leg instead of spreading the goop. But I just gooped on more and tried to run it down the front and sides of my leg.
then I put on my little cloth strips and held the skin taut as I yanked up on it - because holding skin taut apparently works in salons to keep you from wanting to throw up with pain. AND I HANDLE PAIN VERY WELL! TRUST ME! I am ALWAYS walking into or bumping into something. ok?! But I needed Jesus himself to get rid of this pain. And I still had to rip off 4 more strips. And they WERE NOT washing away.
Yeah - sure enough there was a ton of hair on the strip and I thought yet again, "well for 8 weeks shave free - maybe I can just suck it up". But then I noticed the little clumps of hairs left behind - so even if I managed to wax my legs entirely - I would still have to shave because of the little oases of hair on my legs. SHIT SHIT SHIT. And I coated my legs very well and in the direction of the hair. So user error does not figure into this scenario. Anyway, I got the rest of them off, admired all the extra oases and at least hoped the bare patches would remain wax free for 8 weeks. Then I rubbed on the benzocaine. THANK GOD I didn't start with the bikini line or I would just be wearing cotton strips till they rotted and fell off I suppose! I should have known that any kit that requires the use of a topical antipain product - IS NOT GOOD! My leg still hurts. I fess up to consumer oafism. The next time I decide to wax, it is going to be poetic.
Holy Hell!! I for some reason beyond my comprehension, I was in the ever loathsome wal mart and I decided to browse the hair removal section. Really I needed a new head for the electric razor but they were 25 bucks so I thought it might be easier and cheaper just to wax. So I'm looking at all the "new...easy...Effortless...wash away" waxing kits. And as I am a waxing virgin with no better sense, I actually hoped this one kit would be the solution to all my shaving woes. No nicks, cuts and smooth as a baby's butt for 2 whole freakin months! YEAH! Boy was I pumped!
I bought it - took it home - let all the parts I was going wax grow out to 3/8 inch as directed. OOOOH I was already feeling so liberated! And it claims you can use this stuff ANYWHERE! So FINALLY I decide the hairy sasquatchian look was no longer for me and I was ready for brazilian bare. Trying to be "smart" about this I thought a nice hot shower would open the pores allowing the bulb of the hair to slide out so much better. And I open up the kit and smear on the cool waxing glue that was going to wash away! Then I notice the cloth strips, but I wasn't deterred and figured it couldn't be that bad - after all it is a booming business. And I gloop what I like to call super glue wax on to a teeny little plastic spatula - and I probably should have stopped as soon as the paddle was sticking to my leg instead of spreading the goop. But I just gooped on more and tried to run it down the front and sides of my leg.
then I put on my little cloth strips and held the skin taut as I yanked up on it - because holding skin taut apparently works in salons to keep you from wanting to throw up with pain. AND I HANDLE PAIN VERY WELL! TRUST ME! I am ALWAYS walking into or bumping into something. ok?! But I needed Jesus himself to get rid of this pain. And I still had to rip off 4 more strips. And they WERE NOT washing away.
Yeah - sure enough there was a ton of hair on the strip and I thought yet again, "well for 8 weeks shave free - maybe I can just suck it up". But then I noticed the little clumps of hairs left behind - so even if I managed to wax my legs entirely - I would still have to shave because of the little oases of hair on my legs. SHIT SHIT SHIT. And I coated my legs very well and in the direction of the hair. So user error does not figure into this scenario. Anyway, I got the rest of them off, admired all the extra oases and at least hoped the bare patches would remain wax free for 8 weeks. Then I rubbed on the benzocaine. THANK GOD I didn't start with the bikini line or I would just be wearing cotton strips till they rotted and fell off I suppose! I should have known that any kit that requires the use of a topical antipain product - IS NOT GOOD! My leg still hurts. I fess up to consumer oafism. The next time I decide to wax, it is going to be poetic.
Eye Eye Eye, Eye your Veda
Please not to disturb my Kapha/Vata dosha as it is f#cked up. I am going to have to do a thorough cleansing apparently....and I mean thorough....you know....REALLY thorough. But enough about my panchkarma woes.
I don't want to be Kapha type. Prone to laziness and getting fat. 'They' suggest running vigorously or martial arts. ahem ahem. How many lazy fat prone people end up running marathons?
Well Kapha physical Vata mental...see all jacked up.
I dont particularly mind being a rat - i suppose I am rather cunning though I really havent tested the clairvoyant aspect. Does randomly guessing the next card count. I've done that several times off handedly at parties - really screws with the drunk and high people...
"Man that is wicked".....well no not really, it was just a lucky damn guess. Well you see, I was born in the year of the rat, chinese for good at lucky guesses. I really need to get on Deal or No Deal.
What else? I don't mind being cancer or "the crab".... Moody? Moi?
Ce n'est pas moi! hmmm.
I do mind being bad with houseplants. I just worked on those things 3 weeks ago, you know, sunshine water food and now they are dying. Why? I try to care for them they die, i totally neglect them and they thrive. They must not want to make friends with me. Fine. Hope the cats piss all in them.
Uh oh bad thought...must replace with positive affirmation to decrease aggravated Vata.....I do enjoy watching the plants bring forth lovely brown and yellow colors not normal to their species or season. I will not take this as a personal attack.
and ooooohhhhhmmmmmm.....ooooohhhhhhmmmmmm....
ong na mo gurudav na mo....ooooohhhhmmmmm
i just feel so much better now. Thanks Ayurveda Man.
I don't want to be Kapha type. Prone to laziness and getting fat. 'They' suggest running vigorously or martial arts. ahem ahem. How many lazy fat prone people end up running marathons?
Well Kapha physical Vata mental...see all jacked up.
I dont particularly mind being a rat - i suppose I am rather cunning though I really havent tested the clairvoyant aspect. Does randomly guessing the next card count. I've done that several times off handedly at parties - really screws with the drunk and high people...
"Man that is wicked".....well no not really, it was just a lucky damn guess. Well you see, I was born in the year of the rat, chinese for good at lucky guesses. I really need to get on Deal or No Deal.
What else? I don't mind being cancer or "the crab".... Moody? Moi?
Ce n'est pas moi! hmmm.
I do mind being bad with houseplants. I just worked on those things 3 weeks ago, you know, sunshine water food and now they are dying. Why? I try to care for them they die, i totally neglect them and they thrive. They must not want to make friends with me. Fine. Hope the cats piss all in them.
Uh oh bad thought...must replace with positive affirmation to decrease aggravated Vata.....I do enjoy watching the plants bring forth lovely brown and yellow colors not normal to their species or season. I will not take this as a personal attack.
and ooooohhhhhmmmmmm.....ooooohhhhhhmmmmmm....
ong na mo gurudav na mo....ooooohhhhmmmmm
i just feel so much better now. Thanks Ayurveda Man.
Tortuous Rants
I CONTINUE to be hounded by the tortuous rants of strangers. In a brief recap:
weird military recruit guy:
"I know secret chinese texts. If i touch a nerve in your knee you will shit yourself and act like the first animal that comes into your mind"
Guy at a restaurant/bar type place: very serious about the first part too...
"I don't let my kids watch shows that devalue the family unit...oh man check out that a$$! I'm gonna go see if I can hit that."
A pretty funny large lady at walmart in the vegetable aisle:
"my husband wanted me to buy a can of 'screw me all night' at the store. I said I'd pick that up when I can find a can of 'shut up and pick up your shit' ."
a guy friends boy of the moment:
"that girls cooch is so nasty i just call it beaver putty"
Old people at the dr's office: and this went on for about 10 min because she had to keep repeating it very loudly because her mother was 85 and deaf:
daughter: "I can't remember the name of that girl that died. Something Schiavo."
old mom: "who?"
Daughter YELLING: "THAT SCHIAVO GIRL - Mary, no barry, no carrie,no mary no i said that"
Old woman: "what?"
Daughter YELLING again: "I SAID MARY ALREADY"
Old Woman: "no not mary"
Daughter: "Now I have to start over. Barry, carrie, ferry....now that's not even a name."
Old woman: "what?"
Daughter: "FERRY ISNT EVEN A NAME"
Old Woman: "no it sure isnt"
daughter: "barry, carrie. ferry. larry. mary. perry. "
old woman: "you said that SCHIAVO girl"
daughter yelling: "YES BUT IT ISNT MARY OR CARRIE AND I JUST CANT THINK OF IT RIGHT NOW"
then some mumbling, then again "barry, carrie, gary..."
and i just wanted to turn around and yell "FOR GOD's SAKE IT WAS TERRI - T-E-R-R-I"
But i just figured I had let it go on too long by then and she would be like well why didnt you tell me that 5 min ago.
weird military recruit guy:
"I know secret chinese texts. If i touch a nerve in your knee you will shit yourself and act like the first animal that comes into your mind"
Guy at a restaurant/bar type place: very serious about the first part too...
"I don't let my kids watch shows that devalue the family unit...oh man check out that a$$! I'm gonna go see if I can hit that."
A pretty funny large lady at walmart in the vegetable aisle:
"my husband wanted me to buy a can of 'screw me all night' at the store. I said I'd pick that up when I can find a can of 'shut up and pick up your shit' ."
a guy friends boy of the moment:
"that girls cooch is so nasty i just call it beaver putty"
Old people at the dr's office: and this went on for about 10 min because she had to keep repeating it very loudly because her mother was 85 and deaf:
daughter: "I can't remember the name of that girl that died. Something Schiavo."
old mom: "who?"
Daughter YELLING: "THAT SCHIAVO GIRL - Mary, no barry, no carrie,no mary no i said that"
Old woman: "what?"
Daughter YELLING again: "I SAID MARY ALREADY"
Old Woman: "no not mary"
Daughter: "Now I have to start over. Barry, carrie, ferry....now that's not even a name."
Old woman: "what?"
Daughter: "FERRY ISNT EVEN A NAME"
Old Woman: "no it sure isnt"
daughter: "barry, carrie. ferry. larry. mary. perry. "
old woman: "you said that SCHIAVO girl"
daughter yelling: "YES BUT IT ISNT MARY OR CARRIE AND I JUST CANT THINK OF IT RIGHT NOW"
then some mumbling, then again "barry, carrie, gary..."
and i just wanted to turn around and yell "FOR GOD's SAKE IT WAS TERRI - T-E-R-R-I"
But i just figured I had let it go on too long by then and she would be like well why didnt you tell me that 5 min ago.
TidBits
I don't know what it is exactly about kids that makes them do the stupidest things, except that they are kids. You would think with the way their brains just absorb everything that one thing they would learn would be hesitation. Unfortunately trial by error is too natural, too ingrained to be overridden.
So the almost 4 year old who has been potty trained since he was 2, got in trouble for walking to the end of the driveway, dropping pants to ankles and pissing all over the street. You know, nice sunny day, go for a little stroll and hmmmmm naturally what must follow is vandalizing through piss. I guess it could be worse at least he wasnt pissing all over the neighbors house or cat or car. And I suppose it is possible he just thought the pretty yellow pee stream had a pretty yellow rainbow shape.
Reminds me I need to check the sex offender registry for any listed weirdos on the street who are enjoying the peep show.
I fussed at him. He was sad, and decided that peeing outside is "bad mannuhs". At least the kids have passed that phase where everytime they went outside they stripped. Many was the day I looked out to check on them and there was ALL their clothes hanging on the tree limbs and AC unit. Little streakers.
So I heard the little rat go outside again today. And after a few minutes thought I better check on him. And of course there he was, on the edge of the driveway, pants around the ankles, by the street, taking a big old crap. Now, I have little poopie tidbits beside the driveway. And he assures me he didnt pee since it was "bad mannuhs" and it must be my fault for not stressing that shitting outside is also not mannerly. You know, why didnt I see the 'i think i will shit outside in the front yard' stage coming? Do you pick up the poopie tidbits, leave them, take them in and flush them, throw them on the flowers, let the neighbors dog have at them? What?!
So the almost 4 year old who has been potty trained since he was 2, got in trouble for walking to the end of the driveway, dropping pants to ankles and pissing all over the street. You know, nice sunny day, go for a little stroll and hmmmmm naturally what must follow is vandalizing through piss. I guess it could be worse at least he wasnt pissing all over the neighbors house or cat or car. And I suppose it is possible he just thought the pretty yellow pee stream had a pretty yellow rainbow shape.
Reminds me I need to check the sex offender registry for any listed weirdos on the street who are enjoying the peep show.
I fussed at him. He was sad, and decided that peeing outside is "bad mannuhs". At least the kids have passed that phase where everytime they went outside they stripped. Many was the day I looked out to check on them and there was ALL their clothes hanging on the tree limbs and AC unit. Little streakers.
So I heard the little rat go outside again today. And after a few minutes thought I better check on him. And of course there he was, on the edge of the driveway, pants around the ankles, by the street, taking a big old crap. Now, I have little poopie tidbits beside the driveway. And he assures me he didnt pee since it was "bad mannuhs" and it must be my fault for not stressing that shitting outside is also not mannerly. You know, why didnt I see the 'i think i will shit outside in the front yard' stage coming? Do you pick up the poopie tidbits, leave them, take them in and flush them, throw them on the flowers, let the neighbors dog have at them? What?!
Mute Suckage
uuuggh I have LARYNGITIS!!!!wah haha wah haha...nice...i hate not being able to talk. I suppose between deaf, blind and mute that mute would be the way to go.
hmmm or not....my list of reasons it sucks to be mute
1. Not being able to yell at people such as
a. kids when they do "bad things"
b. people that cut you off in traffic
c. telemarketers
2. Not being able to yell at someone to help them or get help yourself:
a. someone, unawares, is going to be hit by a train, bus, car or mo-ped
b. the house catches on fire, you cut off an arm accidentally and all 911
gets are weird little clicking sounds as you try to form words
3. No singing - in the shower, in the car, in the woods - the usual places
4. No telemarketing jobs/motivational speaker positions/ or ham radio operator
5. Unlike blindness and deafness you probably dont get any type of disability for being mute - I guess there might be A LOT more accident related MUTE cases out there trying for govt pay
6. Orgasms would more closely resemble a seizure - rolling eyes, flailing but no sound - rather creepy
7. In the throes of passion "take me now" in sign language doesn't pack quite the punch of a sultry come hither tone
8. No making ghost noises to scare the kids
9. Everyone thinks you love the movie The Piano
10. Never get to have the lead in the school play or be a cheerleader
11. guidance counselors always suggest librarian as possible career fit
and finally
12. While Xmas caroling you will always be designated as the book holder/page turner
hmmm or not....my list of reasons it sucks to be mute
1. Not being able to yell at people such as
a. kids when they do "bad things"
b. people that cut you off in traffic
c. telemarketers
2. Not being able to yell at someone to help them or get help yourself:
a. someone, unawares, is going to be hit by a train, bus, car or mo-ped
b. the house catches on fire, you cut off an arm accidentally and all 911
gets are weird little clicking sounds as you try to form words
3. No singing - in the shower, in the car, in the woods - the usual places
4. No telemarketing jobs/motivational speaker positions/ or ham radio operator
5. Unlike blindness and deafness you probably dont get any type of disability for being mute - I guess there might be A LOT more accident related MUTE cases out there trying for govt pay
6. Orgasms would more closely resemble a seizure - rolling eyes, flailing but no sound - rather creepy
7. In the throes of passion "take me now" in sign language doesn't pack quite the punch of a sultry come hither tone
8. No making ghost noises to scare the kids
9. Everyone thinks you love the movie The Piano
10. Never get to have the lead in the school play or be a cheerleader
11. guidance counselors always suggest librarian as possible career fit
and finally
12. While Xmas caroling you will always be designated as the book holder/page turner
AAAHHHHhhhh Blissss
Just how nice is today? I'll tell ya, it is beautifully sunny and I feel like a damn schoolgirl - you know, light and free...sounds like mayonnaise, which I hate. Mayo is more like thick and eggy or rank and gloopy.
I have played Text Twist so much that whenever I look at a random word my mind automatically starts rearranging the letters to see what other words I can make. It is rather maddening. And it goes a little something like this:
Stop Pots pot top tops sot sop poo poos too post - ok blog glob
all righty then
bringing the mind back to the calm place. New pet peeve - people trying to read the blog over my shoulder who don't even like it to begin with. Which is another thing, why are people always threatened by something they don't understand or can't relate to? Personally I have decided that I don't understand crap, and I am ok with that so why sweat it. Don't ask me for advice because I probably won't give you any good advice but if you want an honest opinion fine...go ahead. I was just schlepping along through life and bam I had an epiphany and that has just made me realize how even more ignorant I am. AND IT IS ALL GOOD!
In fact I am so good today that I have barely noticed that I forgot to turn the AC on. It is pushing the cooler side of 81 degrees right now.
It would be nice to say I am regaining "me" but then I think maybe I am wrong and am actually FINALLY just "discovering me". But that is too depth-defying to be contemplated right now. Since I am in the sunshine. aaaaaahhhhhhhh I have become just ridiculous. Useless......
suffering diarrhea of the written word as opposed to the mouth...must stop now...must not type...in little...short bursts akin.....to the slow....star trekian banter....of capt james......t....kirk......
I have played Text Twist so much that whenever I look at a random word my mind automatically starts rearranging the letters to see what other words I can make. It is rather maddening. And it goes a little something like this:
Stop Pots pot top tops sot sop poo poos too post - ok blog glob
all righty then
bringing the mind back to the calm place. New pet peeve - people trying to read the blog over my shoulder who don't even like it to begin with. Which is another thing, why are people always threatened by something they don't understand or can't relate to? Personally I have decided that I don't understand crap, and I am ok with that so why sweat it. Don't ask me for advice because I probably won't give you any good advice but if you want an honest opinion fine...go ahead. I was just schlepping along through life and bam I had an epiphany and that has just made me realize how even more ignorant I am. AND IT IS ALL GOOD!
In fact I am so good today that I have barely noticed that I forgot to turn the AC on. It is pushing the cooler side of 81 degrees right now.
It would be nice to say I am regaining "me" but then I think maybe I am wrong and am actually FINALLY just "discovering me". But that is too depth-defying to be contemplated right now. Since I am in the sunshine. aaaaaahhhhhhhh I have become just ridiculous. Useless......
suffering diarrhea of the written word as opposed to the mouth...must stop now...must not type...in little...short bursts akin.....to the slow....star trekian banter....of capt james......t....kirk......
Great Hallucinations Part 2
part 1 was ....brief. I was reading about absinthe...hmmmm....hallucinogenic alcohol. Don't know if I would want to try that. I think you just swirl it around your glass, dump it out, then pour in the OTHER alcohol and drink and hallucigenize away. I made that word up i think. Hallucingenize - in the act of hallucinating.
hallucinate - that doesnt look right to me. Not a word I use often. I would be afraid of a bad nightmarish kind of hallucination. I have such vivid dreams that I'm sure some of the key components of them would pop into my hallucination...like tornadoes with devil heads and talking 1/2 fox 1/2 really tiny appaloosa and elves that are wicked and candy that flies down from the moon that turns to acid on your skin. That right there is about 5 dreams I do remember. Freaky....Wasnt on a hallucinogenic then either though it is quite possible I was drunk.
too bad they cant guarantee Great hallucinations like
Johnny Depp in a pirates costume.......eeerrrrrrrrr....or giant talking Koi and rainbow cloud cars, magic stretchy fingers and lots of living purple pogo sticks with wings and eagle talons. Perhaps throw in a weird little GoGo DoDo and the little aliens from sesame street that just say yep yep yep yep yep uh huh uh huh
hallucinate - that doesnt look right to me. Not a word I use often. I would be afraid of a bad nightmarish kind of hallucination. I have such vivid dreams that I'm sure some of the key components of them would pop into my hallucination...like tornadoes with devil heads and talking 1/2 fox 1/2 really tiny appaloosa and elves that are wicked and candy that flies down from the moon that turns to acid on your skin. That right there is about 5 dreams I do remember. Freaky....Wasnt on a hallucinogenic then either though it is quite possible I was drunk.
too bad they cant guarantee Great hallucinations like
Johnny Depp in a pirates costume.......eeerrrrrrrrr....or giant talking Koi and rainbow cloud cars, magic stretchy fingers and lots of living purple pogo sticks with wings and eagle talons. Perhaps throw in a weird little GoGo DoDo and the little aliens from sesame street that just say yep yep yep yep yep uh huh uh huh
Forget THings I DO
You know, I actually forgot for about a month now that I even had a blog. Probably a sign of things to come, first it will be a birthday here and there and before I know it I will have forgotten Christmas and all the major bank holidays. There are a few other things that I would like to forget including but not limited to:
Julia Roberts Face
the location of the bathroom scales
the Southern Tabernacle Tent Revival's Damnation Revisited then Repented Day of Praise
Circus Clowns
the purpose of ironing boards
Tom Cruise and Aliens
Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
The song In the Ghetto - "and his momma cried"
that there are more dustmites living in my house than there are black people living in Atlanta, Chicago and LA combined times 10 to the 3rd power
kitty cat roadkill
the expression "bandied about"
tap water contaminants
appendicitis rectal exams
and...well crap I forgot the really good one I was going to list...
Julia Roberts Face
the location of the bathroom scales
the Southern Tabernacle Tent Revival's Damnation Revisited then Repented Day of Praise
Circus Clowns
the purpose of ironing boards
Tom Cruise and Aliens
Tom Cruise and Matt Lauer
Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz
The song In the Ghetto - "and his momma cried"
that there are more dustmites living in my house than there are black people living in Atlanta, Chicago and LA combined times 10 to the 3rd power
kitty cat roadkill
the expression "bandied about"
tap water contaminants
appendicitis rectal exams
and...well crap I forgot the really good one I was going to list...
O is for Oscar Among other things
Popular O words of the 21st century - Organic, Osama, Orville Redenbacher, Outside the bun, Off the hook or chain, Orgasmic, Oprah, onomatopoeia, and of course Oscar.
oooooh segue moment..........
Only a couple of brief comments on the 06 oscars for 05 movies...
March of the Penguins - nice and cute but I would like to see something more gripping like Obliqueness of the House Cat
Kudos to Reese
Joaquin.....yum...yum...love the dark brooding type........ah Joaquin -
Disappointed that Tough to Be a Pimp or whatever won an oscar but that It's good to be gangsta - from Office Space was sorely overlooked in it's day
Oscar night anecdote: SO I actually watched the oscars and the SO did also. In a clip from Brokeback Mountain when the guys are talking about being killed if ever they were caught the SO says"hmmmm what's that about - did they kill someone?"
.............................haha................"um No! They are LOVERS!!" haha where the hell do you have to be all year to not know Brokeback is about gay cowboys? Also fun, repeating "gay cowboys" all night to SO hoping that his mind will incorporate gay cowboys into his dreams...oh the power of words....
oooooh segue moment..........
Only a couple of brief comments on the 06 oscars for 05 movies...
March of the Penguins - nice and cute but I would like to see something more gripping like Obliqueness of the House Cat
Kudos to Reese
Joaquin.....yum...yum...love the dark brooding type........ah Joaquin -
Disappointed that Tough to Be a Pimp or whatever won an oscar but that It's good to be gangsta - from Office Space was sorely overlooked in it's day
Oscar night anecdote: SO I actually watched the oscars and the SO did also. In a clip from Brokeback Mountain when the guys are talking about being killed if ever they were caught the SO says"hmmmm what's that about - did they kill someone?"
.............................haha................"um No! They are LOVERS!!" haha where the hell do you have to be all year to not know Brokeback is about gay cowboys? Also fun, repeating "gay cowboys" all night to SO hoping that his mind will incorporate gay cowboys into his dreams...oh the power of words....
Movie Popcorn Shoes
yes I am making up for lost time here and probably because I will forget again that I have a blog so in preparation I have determined that publishing a slew of entries will help to combat BADD -Blog Awareness deficit Disorder - weird word deficit - deficit - deficit - just say it 10 times in a row OUT LOUD - it is weird
anyway - It is really strange but I have these shoes that my kids call the movie popcorn shoes. It is the only pair of tennis shoes I have that after I take them off they actually smell like movie popcorn. I've never worn them to the movies - never spilled popcorn butter in them but they really do smell like that. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that my kids like to shove their noses into the shoes to get a big whiff when I take them off. Really considering ditching the movie popcorn shoes but I guess it could be worse and actually smell like foots. Foots should be a word. Feet is teef spelled backwards and Teef is actually used by some people to describe those white squarish things in our moufs.
anyway - It is really strange but I have these shoes that my kids call the movie popcorn shoes. It is the only pair of tennis shoes I have that after I take them off they actually smell like movie popcorn. I've never worn them to the movies - never spilled popcorn butter in them but they really do smell like that. I'm a little disturbed by the fact that my kids like to shove their noses into the shoes to get a big whiff when I take them off. Really considering ditching the movie popcorn shoes but I guess it could be worse and actually smell like foots. Foots should be a word. Feet is teef spelled backwards and Teef is actually used by some people to describe those white squarish things in our moufs.
Punxsutawney Paranoia
It seems that sweet little Punxsutawney Phil G. Roundhog has seen his shadow and predicts 6 more weeks of purgatory. ( I was going to say Limbo but in the Caribbean 6 more weeks of limbo actually means the weather is still good enough for "de limboooo par'tay mon!" and repeatedly playing "who let the dogs out?")
Which is so much more interesting than 6 more weeks of winter. Which also leads me to my paranoia envy. Wouldn't it be great to be diagnosed with the fear of your own shadow which causes you to retreat to your house for weeks at a time! Especially if you could draw disability from it BUT then the gov't might require you to work from home.
GOVT:
"So you have Punxsutawney Paranoia...PP....well We need to create a little purgatory for you at home. It is now your official govt paid job to call all US citizens and have them pledge to the Presidential Campaign Fund. HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA" (in a Vincent price Thriller type laugh)
Other pissable (Freudian, I was going for possible but it works) govt jobs for people with PP:
1. Asking the Magic 8 Ball the location of all Al-Qaida suspects for every country listed in the world including all principalities, indian nations, and possessions (not the satanic kind unless it is suspected that Bin Laden inflicted the devil upon the unwitting American citizen)
"oh magic 8 ball....Is Bin Laden in L.A."....The answer is hazy (of course it is...smog)
subsection 1a. "write Al-Qaida 500 times for not knowing how to spell it in the first place you slack ass citizen."
2. "Read speech transcripts to find clues as to the actual sex of Hillary Clinton, Janet Reno, Eleanor Roosevelt, Margaret Thatcher and Ed McMahon."
3. " Determine the direction of THE WAR ON TERROR!!!! You are as qualified to do so as the 550 members of congress. No military training required. And remember the Elastic Clause is GOLDEN!! GOLDEN!!... um..I may have said too much...just ignore that last bit"
4. We unofficially officially need you to plot the assassinations of the following "bad" americans:
Joe Simpson (jessica's dad) - must be accurate, oh wait, we already have him taken care of
Maury Povich - something along the lines of draining all his blood in DNA testing type doses while the gov't man screams "HA, Who's your daddy NOW!"
Hillary Clinton because she scares us all, just last week she told Senator Frist to - and I quote - "Shut your freakin cock suckin pie hole and grow a pair! You may be a doctor but I guarantee I've cut up more people than you!!!(huff huff) Figuratively speaking."
Punxsutawney Phil because we just don't need a groundhog calling the weather shots! That's the job of the in...wait a minute...that's classified.
Della Reese because she is just a horrible person. Wait til you hear the things she says. OH no you can't, sorry you are not authorized for wire tapping privileges.
and lastly
Arnold Schwarzenegger...There is a growing concern that he is going to use the robotic telepathic powers of his buddy Tom Cruise to sway congress to change the constitution to allow non US born citizens to be president. We know he is capable of this. He harnessed Al Gore's robotic mental powers and used it to his benefit to become governor! And Tom Cruise is much MORE powerful than Al Gore ever was! It would probably be easier to wipe out Tom Cruise BUT we actually need him so we can communicate with the aliens.
Which is so much more interesting than 6 more weeks of winter. Which also leads me to my paranoia envy. Wouldn't it be great to be diagnosed with the fear of your own shadow which causes you to retreat to your house for weeks at a time! Especially if you could draw disability from it BUT then the gov't might require you to work from home.
GOVT:
"So you have Punxsutawney Paranoia...PP....well We need to create a little purgatory for you at home. It is now your official govt paid job to call all US citizens and have them pledge to the Presidential Campaign Fund. HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA" (in a Vincent price Thriller type laugh)
Other pissable (Freudian, I was going for possible but it works) govt jobs for people with PP:
1. Asking the Magic 8 Ball the location of all Al-Qaida suspects for every country listed in the world including all principalities, indian nations, and possessions (not the satanic kind unless it is suspected that Bin Laden inflicted the devil upon the unwitting American citizen)
"oh magic 8 ball....Is Bin Laden in L.A."....The answer is hazy (of course it is...smog)
subsection 1a. "write Al-Qaida 500 times for not knowing how to spell it in the first place you slack ass citizen."
2. "Read speech transcripts to find clues as to the actual sex of Hillary Clinton, Janet Reno, Eleanor Roosevelt, Margaret Thatcher and Ed McMahon."
3. " Determine the direction of THE WAR ON TERROR!!!! You are as qualified to do so as the 550 members of congress. No military training required. And remember the Elastic Clause is GOLDEN!! GOLDEN!!... um..I may have said too much...just ignore that last bit"
4. We unofficially officially need you to plot the assassinations of the following "bad" americans:
Joe Simpson (jessica's dad) - must be accurate, oh wait, we already have him taken care of
Maury Povich - something along the lines of draining all his blood in DNA testing type doses while the gov't man screams "HA, Who's your daddy NOW!"
Hillary Clinton because she scares us all, just last week she told Senator Frist to - and I quote - "Shut your freakin cock suckin pie hole and grow a pair! You may be a doctor but I guarantee I've cut up more people than you!!!(huff huff) Figuratively speaking."
Punxsutawney Phil because we just don't need a groundhog calling the weather shots! That's the job of the in...wait a minute...that's classified.
Della Reese because she is just a horrible person. Wait til you hear the things she says. OH no you can't, sorry you are not authorized for wire tapping privileges.
and lastly
Arnold Schwarzenegger...There is a growing concern that he is going to use the robotic telepathic powers of his buddy Tom Cruise to sway congress to change the constitution to allow non US born citizens to be president. We know he is capable of this. He harnessed Al Gore's robotic mental powers and used it to his benefit to become governor! And Tom Cruise is much MORE powerful than Al Gore ever was! It would probably be easier to wipe out Tom Cruise BUT we actually need him so we can communicate with the aliens.
Conversations with Paris #3
At a party thrown by the Hiltons for their Cali state reps, Paris was overheard having this conversation with Gov Schwarzenegger, demonstrably showing her grasp on all things political. After all, what is more political than Hollywood???????
arnold: So deed you watch eeny of de Presidents State of de Younion addresssss?
Paris: Yeah it's sad about that. (as she flips her hair)
Arnold: WHot do you meeeeen?
Paris: Oh you know... the state of it all. But I know how hard it can be to speak to people like that. In fact, I have prepared my own state of the union. I'm not really looking forward to it though.
Arnold (humorously surprised): ok, whot eeeeeees eeeeeet abowt?
Paris: Well I have to address some issues with my show of course. It is so hot, but I have to let people know what is going on with it. People are always wanting to know about it, so I though what better way than to give a state of the union.
Arnold: Well I luke forwahd to dat.
Paris: So totally, I plan on wearing a great vera wang, and Nicole will be there but she won't look as good as me because that isnt possible, well maybe if she lost a few more pounds she could come close. I want people to know I am still hot. And of course I will have some kind of animal. I used to want a monkey but then I heard they like to flick poo and I just dont have the time to train it to flick poo on Nicole right now.
Arnold: fleeeck poooo?! Haw veerry Hahleewoood.
Paris: Thanks! I thought so too. I am going to shake things up this year after keeping such a low profile. I can't let people think I'm losing my hotness. No offense.
Arnold: None taken. Seems you ahr reeeely into poleeteecs?
Paris: Oh yeah, I would love to be first lady except they are all so old. Think of all the great parties you could have at the white house. I would paint it pink though and put up a BIG privacy fence so people would mind their own biz. And you could invite all the poor country's over and feed them and let them see all your stuff, so that if they are nice to you they might get another invite. But then again they might stink cause poor country's dont have bathrooms to get clean. They actually bathe in mud. hmmm, I think i'd rather pay someone to train the monkey to fling poo at people I don't like. I'm sure they have a monkey whisperer and..
Arnold: Excuuse mee, I hav to go. By de way, Do you vote?
Paris: oh yeah, as long as it is in my planner but sometimes I forget. I just don't ever hear about it. It isn't really hot, ya know?
Arnold: Gooood gihrl. Veery Gooood.
arnold: So deed you watch eeny of de Presidents State of de Younion addresssss?
Paris: Yeah it's sad about that. (as she flips her hair)
Arnold: WHot do you meeeeen?
Paris: Oh you know... the state of it all. But I know how hard it can be to speak to people like that. In fact, I have prepared my own state of the union. I'm not really looking forward to it though.
Arnold (humorously surprised): ok, whot eeeeeees eeeeeet abowt?
Paris: Well I have to address some issues with my show of course. It is so hot, but I have to let people know what is going on with it. People are always wanting to know about it, so I though what better way than to give a state of the union.
Arnold: Well I luke forwahd to dat.
Paris: So totally, I plan on wearing a great vera wang, and Nicole will be there but she won't look as good as me because that isnt possible, well maybe if she lost a few more pounds she could come close. I want people to know I am still hot. And of course I will have some kind of animal. I used to want a monkey but then I heard they like to flick poo and I just dont have the time to train it to flick poo on Nicole right now.
Arnold: fleeeck poooo?! Haw veerry Hahleewoood.
Paris: Thanks! I thought so too. I am going to shake things up this year after keeping such a low profile. I can't let people think I'm losing my hotness. No offense.
Arnold: None taken. Seems you ahr reeeely into poleeteecs?
Paris: Oh yeah, I would love to be first lady except they are all so old. Think of all the great parties you could have at the white house. I would paint it pink though and put up a BIG privacy fence so people would mind their own biz. And you could invite all the poor country's over and feed them and let them see all your stuff, so that if they are nice to you they might get another invite. But then again they might stink cause poor country's dont have bathrooms to get clean. They actually bathe in mud. hmmm, I think i'd rather pay someone to train the monkey to fling poo at people I don't like. I'm sure they have a monkey whisperer and..
Arnold: Excuuse mee, I hav to go. By de way, Do you vote?
Paris: oh yeah, as long as it is in my planner but sometimes I forget. I just don't ever hear about it. It isn't really hot, ya know?
Arnold: Gooood gihrl. Veery Gooood.
Seeing Nada
I have decided that if I go blind, I will become a singer as there is really an overlooked market for it. Well, for blind female singers. There are tons of blind male singers. Roy Orbison, J Healy Band, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder and others. I could be wrong but maybe that chick Terri something who sang Somebody's Knockin...I think maybe she was blind OR just pretending. you know, to play up that market. It didn't carry her through though. I guess she didn't let the devil in after all or else she'd have sold her soul for fame and fortune.
Is there some reason that blind women dont make good singers? I think not, but they have been sorely overlooked in music industry. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to gouge out my eyes, and I certainly hope I never go blind. I'm just saying that in that unfortunate event...I want to become a singer. Hopefully with a good and trusty stylist so I don't look like the lead singer of Hole or end up wearing a rapunzel wig and a cone bra.
And if for some reason I become blind AND mute, then I would either like to be a criminal sketch artist OR a movie director.
Is there some reason that blind women dont make good singers? I think not, but they have been sorely overlooked in music industry. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to gouge out my eyes, and I certainly hope I never go blind. I'm just saying that in that unfortunate event...I want to become a singer. Hopefully with a good and trusty stylist so I don't look like the lead singer of Hole or end up wearing a rapunzel wig and a cone bra.
And if for some reason I become blind AND mute, then I would either like to be a criminal sketch artist OR a movie director.
Sabbatical Debacle
The Good Old Days:
I had a short little absence from me blogging ways due to
depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety Anxiety ANxietY ANxieTY ANXIETY ANXIETY!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!
It just all finally got to me so I got a hold of some lovely meds and all is well and rosy colored again. Oooh look at all the pretty things I may cry I am so happy!! Wheeeeee! I love the grass I love the bark I love the worm holes!! Happy Happy Oneness!!!!! The "bad" me has been dismissed....shame shame on her...
Well ok that may be a stretch. I don't love grass or bark and I could give a shit about worm holes unless they are the kind that gets the Voyager back home.
But didn't I see this coming? YES I DID - recall the Poe period of melancholy...driving factors include
a. the kids incessant talking...I mean they just won't shut up...mama I'm hungry...mama i'm cold...mama I need you to take me to school...blah blah blah...
b. my shadow has a name...it is the loved SO which is now what I call the CoSO as in codependent signif other...read it...4 FREAKIN MONTHS together in the same house working on the same thing which is getting the CoSO out of the damn house...how IRONIC
c. chanuukah, kwaanza, christmas, new years, bon jovi's b-day
d. the state will only send you 1 unemployment check per week...who the hell can live off that?
e. I found the 10 lbs I lost, they showed up in my tits in lovely 60/40 ratio...
f. i'm getting no jollies...fill in whatever you like for that...either way I'm prob not getting it
g. the gas heating unit is emitting foul gas heat unit dust smell possibly contributing to derangement and low level poisoning butil i thoikrg it wielllse aleill beeg OOOKKK
I had a short little absence from me blogging ways due to
depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety depression anxiety Anxiety ANxietY ANxieTY ANXIETY ANXIETY!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAACCCKKKK!!
It just all finally got to me so I got a hold of some lovely meds and all is well and rosy colored again. Oooh look at all the pretty things I may cry I am so happy!! Wheeeeee! I love the grass I love the bark I love the worm holes!! Happy Happy Oneness!!!!! The "bad" me has been dismissed....shame shame on her...
Well ok that may be a stretch. I don't love grass or bark and I could give a shit about worm holes unless they are the kind that gets the Voyager back home.
But didn't I see this coming? YES I DID - recall the Poe period of melancholy...driving factors include
a. the kids incessant talking...I mean they just won't shut up...mama I'm hungry...mama i'm cold...mama I need you to take me to school...blah blah blah...
b. my shadow has a name...it is the loved SO which is now what I call the CoSO as in codependent signif other...read it...4 FREAKIN MONTHS together in the same house working on the same thing which is getting the CoSO out of the damn house...how IRONIC
c. chanuukah, kwaanza, christmas, new years, bon jovi's b-day
d. the state will only send you 1 unemployment check per week...who the hell can live off that?
e. I found the 10 lbs I lost, they showed up in my tits in lovely 60/40 ratio...
f. i'm getting no jollies...fill in whatever you like for that...either way I'm prob not getting it
g. the gas heating unit is emitting foul gas heat unit dust smell possibly contributing to derangement and low level poisoning butil i thoikrg it wielllse aleill beeg OOOKKK
Tom Cruise's Hollywood Diary
Wow man I am so pumpd. Top Gun was grate. That moovy made me so horny. All us hot guys....swettin....shirtless......playing with our vollee balls..................hmmmmm SPIKE!!!
It is so kool i get to call my buds gooseman now, tho my publisist said i shood not do that anymore. Mom says my acting has cum a long way. Me thinks so too. I have a relly moving script about a bar tinder i'm thinkin about.
Church is helpin me a lot. My bud johnny is also an acter. He was that relly stoopid gie on Welcum Back Cahter. Johnny likes when i call him gooseman. We take classes to help our acting at church...johnny is ok but he trys.
I been lernin payshense and about how unhappy I have been and didnt even no it. They are helping me be a better acter by getting rid of all the stuff that makes me sad.
A sad Tom is a bad Tom and a bad Tom won't get anymore werk and peeple will not like bad Tom. I have a list of sad things i need to elim..eliman...uh lemon ate...get rid of to be happy and a big star.
Toms List of Sad Things
1. Xsesive welth...muney is root of evil...i feel good giving it too church so they can help poor peeple get better VCRs...i also gave some extra Top Gun VHS tapes I had
2. the feelin i get when i mean to say wow and it comes out oww...i have dislexic speech paturns
it relly hurt me to tell the little cansir girl OWWW!! insted of WOW!!! wen she shode me her new wig...she cryd
3. kittys that get eetin by big bully dogs
4. dirty teeth
i am lerning to put thees bad things away. I put bad thawts in a mental thawt rocket and shoot them into space which is big enuff to hold them. Wen i do this I move on in my studees at church. I think they can even make me a saint or sumthing. Tom C= acter, saint, wurld improofer, vollee ball lover. I'm a rinasaunse man.
It is so kool i get to call my buds gooseman now, tho my publisist said i shood not do that anymore. Mom says my acting has cum a long way. Me thinks so too. I have a relly moving script about a bar tinder i'm thinkin about.
Church is helpin me a lot. My bud johnny is also an acter. He was that relly stoopid gie on Welcum Back Cahter. Johnny likes when i call him gooseman. We take classes to help our acting at church...johnny is ok but he trys.
I been lernin payshense and about how unhappy I have been and didnt even no it. They are helping me be a better acter by getting rid of all the stuff that makes me sad.
A sad Tom is a bad Tom and a bad Tom won't get anymore werk and peeple will not like bad Tom. I have a list of sad things i need to elim..eliman...uh lemon ate...get rid of to be happy and a big star.
Toms List of Sad Things
1. Xsesive welth...muney is root of evil...i feel good giving it too church so they can help poor peeple get better VCRs...i also gave some extra Top Gun VHS tapes I had
2. the feelin i get when i mean to say wow and it comes out oww...i have dislexic speech paturns
it relly hurt me to tell the little cansir girl OWWW!! insted of WOW!!! wen she shode me her new wig...she cryd
3. kittys that get eetin by big bully dogs
4. dirty teeth
i am lerning to put thees bad things away. I put bad thawts in a mental thawt rocket and shoot them into space which is big enuff to hold them. Wen i do this I move on in my studees at church. I think they can even make me a saint or sumthing. Tom C= acter, saint, wurld improofer, vollee ball lover. I'm a rinasaunse man.
Stumped
It probably isn't a good sign if the first day of the new year you are kind of bummed. Well if you believe in signs, omens, wizards and relic elves. Insomnia took a WHOLE new turn last night - I was up til 4:30 and I wasn't even drunk or participating in a seance. Which means I am INCREDIBLY tired today which is why I am bummed I suppose. I am also trying to procrastinate - and doing a pretty good jorb of it. (coach z dedication). Supposed to be building a website, blah blah blah blah. OH that reminds me the name of my last blog - it was the blahblahblah blog - but only had 2 entries.
Still stumped about the blues today though. OH GREAT! Hoping I am not moving into the Edgar Allan Poe period of melancholy which I will heretofore (uhoh it's happening) refer to as my Edgar Allan Poe period of melancholy. HEHE maybe not, Perchance I may call it the Wailing Darkness or the Somber Grey Aura Fog-hitherto SGAF. Soon I will slumber with images of lost loves and screeching birds and shipwrecks. THANK GOD I dont have a bust of anyone in my house. Though I don't doubt someone will read this and then tell my mother I don't have a decorative bust of anyone which will then be interpreted to mean....Oh Erika would really love a bust of Thurston Howell the 3rd ....and then at Xmas won't I be the surprised one.
I wonder if they have Busts of Chesty Love. Probably not, it would most likely just fall right off the mantle due to it's proportions. ahhhh sooth.
Still stumped about the blues today though. OH GREAT! Hoping I am not moving into the Edgar Allan Poe period of melancholy which I will heretofore (uhoh it's happening) refer to as my Edgar Allan Poe period of melancholy. HEHE maybe not, Perchance I may call it the Wailing Darkness or the Somber Grey Aura Fog-hitherto SGAF. Soon I will slumber with images of lost loves and screeching birds and shipwrecks. THANK GOD I dont have a bust of anyone in my house. Though I don't doubt someone will read this and then tell my mother I don't have a decorative bust of anyone which will then be interpreted to mean....Oh Erika would really love a bust of Thurston Howell the 3rd ....and then at Xmas won't I be the surprised one.
I wonder if they have Busts of Chesty Love. Probably not, it would most likely just fall right off the mantle due to it's proportions. ahhhh sooth.
2006 Fabuloso List
New Year and I feel like I should make some rules or let's just use the term guidelines. Well maybe a mixture of guidelines and things to be thankful for and things to avoid.
1. Am thankful that "baby mama drama" is NOT part of my everyday vocabulary.
2. will develop 3 step program to help people ease their dependence on chocolate.
3. am thankful have not been kidnapped by crazy person
4. will only play the lotto on days that I feel extraordinarily lucky
5. am thankful for caffeine free diet mountain dew
6. will avoid splotchy giraffe look by avoiding all self tanners
7. will not laugh at elderly hygiene products in store especially when elderly are present
8. will not volunteer as am sick and tired of people always wanting a piece o' me, screw charity
9. will encourage mother to adopt updated style clothing and hair as bows are no longer a positive fashion statement
10. Will practice yoga, releasing my negative energy by aiming it right back from whence it came.
11. will no longer murder the house plants but will instead provide them with water and or food
12. practice baby steps, one baby step at a time
13. will not adjust imaginary balls while people are on serious phone conversations
14. will not cure blue self pitying mood by repeatedly watching any of the following:
Bridget Jones Diary, Hope Springs, Message in a Bottle, Love Actually or any other sappy British movie involving Hugh Grant and Colin Firth
15. will find 3 good days to celebrate by drinking more than I should.
16. Stop the obsession of knowing, meeting or noticing people with abnormally huge big toes
17. And finally am thankful for the end of things...Like lists, illnesses, races and bouts of acne
1. Am thankful that "baby mama drama" is NOT part of my everyday vocabulary.
2. will develop 3 step program to help people ease their dependence on chocolate.
3. am thankful have not been kidnapped by crazy person
4. will only play the lotto on days that I feel extraordinarily lucky
5. am thankful for caffeine free diet mountain dew
6. will avoid splotchy giraffe look by avoiding all self tanners
7. will not laugh at elderly hygiene products in store especially when elderly are present
8. will not volunteer as am sick and tired of people always wanting a piece o' me, screw charity
9. will encourage mother to adopt updated style clothing and hair as bows are no longer a positive fashion statement
10. Will practice yoga, releasing my negative energy by aiming it right back from whence it came.
11. will no longer murder the house plants but will instead provide them with water and or food
12. practice baby steps, one baby step at a time
13. will not adjust imaginary balls while people are on serious phone conversations
14. will not cure blue self pitying mood by repeatedly watching any of the following:
Bridget Jones Diary, Hope Springs, Message in a Bottle, Love Actually or any other sappy British movie involving Hugh Grant and Colin Firth
15. will find 3 good days to celebrate by drinking more than I should.
16. Stop the obsession of knowing, meeting or noticing people with abnormally huge big toes
17. And finally am thankful for the end of things...Like lists, illnesses, races and bouts of acne
Relevant Danger...or IS it??
'06:
I thought maybe the new year was a good time to discuss danger in all its forms, perceived or not. January seems to be a HIGH Danger month. Let's just call it a ORANGE LEVEL MONTH!! WHY? Well because of all the avid exercisers out there! You know the ones who have been adamant about running 5 miles a day now for the last 5 days only. THe ones with all the back problems and busted knee joints, shin splints, sprained ankles and burnout. Yeah Doctors have to love January.
Also dangerous...possibility of snow and ice and all the people who are POSITIVE they can drive on it at regular highway speeds.
Then the after Xmas blues when people get their credit card bills. People have been known to actually go insane and commit bizarre acts like just standing outside in the freezing rain in their underwear.
Alcoholism is big in January too since it helps you forget all your problems during this dreary gray and cold month. ahhhh nice warm alcohol.....no danger there unless you drive, have cirrhosis or regretfully screw a really ugly person...eeew
Some Holidays seem to be really dangerous for certain individuals. Let's just list a few...
Thanksgiving - dangerous for: People that are overly cheerful and optimistic. Why? Because the rest of the sodding miserable family probably poisoned your jellied cranberries to shut you up permanently. Suggestion: Count your many blessing in your head - akin to counting sheep
Halloween - well diabetic kids...not fair and tragic. Nor is it good for the diabetic parents of kids that collect 30 lbs of candy that just lies there temptingly on the counter. SUggestion: Set up your own trick or treat stations in the back yard that include rice cakes, apples, and yogurt OR just keep a large dose of insulin at hand.
Christmas - midgets - way too often mistaken by the christmas drunkards for elves and asked to do stupid things like dance little jigs. Suggestion: don't drink alcohol, instead switch to a hallucinogenic so you can enjoy the Magic of Xmas elves in your mind at home.
Easter: dangerous for people that need to be on mood stabilizers...bipolars, manic depressants etc etc. why? Well it's the Emotional Roller Coaster from...well... Heaven. Friday you're sad but confused because we call it good. Saturday you're just plain confused because everyone is in denial...like saturday just doesn't exist or figure into the Easter story. OH SURE then SUNDAY is all Hallelujah and Hosanna! Whew!! Suggestion: Start taking Lithium BEFORE Maundy THursday and veg out through saturday so that Sunday you can join the celebration without all the downer side effects.
Cinqo De Mayo: for people who can't spell the 5th of may in spanish. Also bad for people who think they are celebrating a "true" mexican holiday by downing many pitchers of margherita's and then trying to hit on all the latino waitresses.
Valentines Day: Co-dependents that don't have a co. Don't let valentines day alone push you to the brink of suicide!! Let Clay Aikens cd do that for you. After all, you are an invisible nobody. Suggestion: Go to a Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting...you won't be lonely long.
New Years Day: bad for the obsessive compulsive who just realized they ruined the start of the whole new year by not washing the celery 5 times before starting the raw veggie diet and NOW have to wait til NEXT New Years Day to start over again!! Suggestion: Repeat 5 times: go to the doctor...take my meds...repeat 5 times
Kwaanza - for people who confuse it with the saying "Cowabunga"
Channukah - for people who call the Star of David the devils pentagram, and for those people who think the guys with the long beards and curls are the jewish mafia and called the acidic jews
St Patricks day - dangerous to anyone who is not drunk or not wearing green anywhere on their person, or who has never played darts, or had a friend go to NotreDame, or can't cuss like a sailor, or who is Catholic, or who is protestant, or who cant sing an Irish chantey, or has never seen Brigadoon, or who calls a shamrock a clover, or who has never downed a stout or ale or black and tan, or hates U2 and Riverdance...etc....etc...etc.....You just cant be too safe on St Pat's suggestion: pretend to be Irish minus the accent and you might survive or you can just stay home
I thought maybe the new year was a good time to discuss danger in all its forms, perceived or not. January seems to be a HIGH Danger month. Let's just call it a ORANGE LEVEL MONTH!! WHY? Well because of all the avid exercisers out there! You know the ones who have been adamant about running 5 miles a day now for the last 5 days only. THe ones with all the back problems and busted knee joints, shin splints, sprained ankles and burnout. Yeah Doctors have to love January.
Also dangerous...possibility of snow and ice and all the people who are POSITIVE they can drive on it at regular highway speeds.
Then the after Xmas blues when people get their credit card bills. People have been known to actually go insane and commit bizarre acts like just standing outside in the freezing rain in their underwear.
Alcoholism is big in January too since it helps you forget all your problems during this dreary gray and cold month. ahhhh nice warm alcohol.....no danger there unless you drive, have cirrhosis or regretfully screw a really ugly person...eeew
Some Holidays seem to be really dangerous for certain individuals. Let's just list a few...
Thanksgiving - dangerous for: People that are overly cheerful and optimistic. Why? Because the rest of the sodding miserable family probably poisoned your jellied cranberries to shut you up permanently. Suggestion: Count your many blessing in your head - akin to counting sheep
Halloween - well diabetic kids...not fair and tragic. Nor is it good for the diabetic parents of kids that collect 30 lbs of candy that just lies there temptingly on the counter. SUggestion: Set up your own trick or treat stations in the back yard that include rice cakes, apples, and yogurt OR just keep a large dose of insulin at hand.
Christmas - midgets - way too often mistaken by the christmas drunkards for elves and asked to do stupid things like dance little jigs. Suggestion: don't drink alcohol, instead switch to a hallucinogenic so you can enjoy the Magic of Xmas elves in your mind at home.
Easter: dangerous for people that need to be on mood stabilizers...bipolars, manic depressants etc etc. why? Well it's the Emotional Roller Coaster from...well... Heaven. Friday you're sad but confused because we call it good. Saturday you're just plain confused because everyone is in denial...like saturday just doesn't exist or figure into the Easter story. OH SURE then SUNDAY is all Hallelujah and Hosanna! Whew!! Suggestion: Start taking Lithium BEFORE Maundy THursday and veg out through saturday so that Sunday you can join the celebration without all the downer side effects.
Cinqo De Mayo: for people who can't spell the 5th of may in spanish. Also bad for people who think they are celebrating a "true" mexican holiday by downing many pitchers of margherita's and then trying to hit on all the latino waitresses.
Valentines Day: Co-dependents that don't have a co. Don't let valentines day alone push you to the brink of suicide!! Let Clay Aikens cd do that for you. After all, you are an invisible nobody. Suggestion: Go to a Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting...you won't be lonely long.
New Years Day: bad for the obsessive compulsive who just realized they ruined the start of the whole new year by not washing the celery 5 times before starting the raw veggie diet and NOW have to wait til NEXT New Years Day to start over again!! Suggestion: Repeat 5 times: go to the doctor...take my meds...repeat 5 times
Kwaanza - for people who confuse it with the saying "Cowabunga"
Channukah - for people who call the Star of David the devils pentagram, and for those people who think the guys with the long beards and curls are the jewish mafia and called the acidic jews
St Patricks day - dangerous to anyone who is not drunk or not wearing green anywhere on their person, or who has never played darts, or had a friend go to NotreDame, or can't cuss like a sailor, or who is Catholic, or who is protestant, or who cant sing an Irish chantey, or has never seen Brigadoon, or who calls a shamrock a clover, or who has never downed a stout or ale or black and tan, or hates U2 and Riverdance...etc....etc...etc.....You just cant be too safe on St Pat's suggestion: pretend to be Irish minus the accent and you might survive or you can just stay home
Tom Cruise's Hollywood Diary
WOW!! I can't beleeve it. I just did a film in my titey whities. Hope mom doesn't watch it. Have met some relly kool peeple here. There is this one guy and he told me he could improof my acting if I could learn to be happy and guyded. Seems ok. I just go to this church and hold some metal things...makes me feel sort of horny tingly........................................................................... .......................just......holding................................... poles...............................................................
..........................................................................ah back now, faded away there for a menut. so if i get famous i just help promo the good work the church duz. It is like a church for stars ya know. I mean artists are so lost. It is kind of secret I guess like the holy grale or something. It is like being in the CIA. yeah ... I'ma cia guy...mr big cia...that's Tom, ...CIA Tom...this should be some good expeeriense 4 me. there are some relly hot peeple here in A.L. glad I'm 1 of them. ahah
Tom C.. CIA
..........................................................................ah back now, faded away there for a menut. so if i get famous i just help promo the good work the church duz. It is like a church for stars ya know. I mean artists are so lost. It is kind of secret I guess like the holy grale or something. It is like being in the CIA. yeah ... I'ma cia guy...mr big cia...that's Tom, ...CIA Tom...this should be some good expeeriense 4 me. there are some relly hot peeple here in A.L. glad I'm 1 of them. ahah
Tom C.. CIA
End of Days
I was wrong about this one. Never said I was Mayan:
Isn't that the name of a band? SHould be....anyway watching the Nova special or whatever on Sir Isaac Newton. Newton has mathematically determined from biblical texts (when he wasn't dabbling in alchemy) that the end of the world would be 2060. I however, believe that perhaps he really meant 2006. Stands to reason....I suppose....I mean look at the signs! Or let me tell you signs that I have been noticing here.
1. My 3 yr old made pizza in the microwave...by himself....CORRECTLY
2. My 6 yr old explained the theory of retaining walls...for no apparent reason
3. My kitten went outside for the 1st time, beat the dogs into submission, and now rules the back yard
4. I've noticed weird looking people in emerald cloaks and lots of owls (NO WAIT that's Harry Potter)
5. My mother in law IS moving to THIS town
6. My mother is attempting to move here
7. Aside from the war crimes, genocide, self worship and general tyranny, Saddam is doing well in court as he is now being portrayed as just a regular guy who was mindin' his own biz' in his hood when tha mans of de worlds swooped down on him and planted the shiznit on him and beat him down so well that the Rodney king beating looked like a gentleman's tickle fight! Lawdy!
8. My job was outsourced, I got severance AND unemployment, and just found out that the outsource company wants to hire me TO DO THE SAME FREAKIN JOB for the same product. So I was paid to sit on my ass all winter...hmmm
9. THE Big Easy is no longer so big and definitely not so easy now that all the prostitutes have "disbanded". You know there were some pissed off pimps out there when they couldn't find they ho's after "dat levee broke down like my momma when I wouldn't gives her no crack discount"
Ultimately I think this all coincides with the birth of Tom Cruises baby. It's like that movie, with Demi Moore, .....maybe the Seventh Sign or Seal....well whatever, sorry Katie but your baby I think is bringing about the end of the world! Damn Tom and his good looks and cunning abilities.
Isn't that the name of a band? SHould be....anyway watching the Nova special or whatever on Sir Isaac Newton. Newton has mathematically determined from biblical texts (when he wasn't dabbling in alchemy) that the end of the world would be 2060. I however, believe that perhaps he really meant 2006. Stands to reason....I suppose....I mean look at the signs! Or let me tell you signs that I have been noticing here.
1. My 3 yr old made pizza in the microwave...by himself....CORRECTLY
2. My 6 yr old explained the theory of retaining walls...for no apparent reason
3. My kitten went outside for the 1st time, beat the dogs into submission, and now rules the back yard
4. I've noticed weird looking people in emerald cloaks and lots of owls (NO WAIT that's Harry Potter)
5. My mother in law IS moving to THIS town
6. My mother is attempting to move here
7. Aside from the war crimes, genocide, self worship and general tyranny, Saddam is doing well in court as he is now being portrayed as just a regular guy who was mindin' his own biz' in his hood when tha mans of de worlds swooped down on him and planted the shiznit on him and beat him down so well that the Rodney king beating looked like a gentleman's tickle fight! Lawdy!
8. My job was outsourced, I got severance AND unemployment, and just found out that the outsource company wants to hire me TO DO THE SAME FREAKIN JOB for the same product. So I was paid to sit on my ass all winter...hmmm
9. THE Big Easy is no longer so big and definitely not so easy now that all the prostitutes have "disbanded". You know there were some pissed off pimps out there when they couldn't find they ho's after "dat levee broke down like my momma when I wouldn't gives her no crack discount"
Ultimately I think this all coincides with the birth of Tom Cruises baby. It's like that movie, with Demi Moore, .....maybe the Seventh Sign or Seal....well whatever, sorry Katie but your baby I think is bringing about the end of the world! Damn Tom and his good looks and cunning abilities.
THE Mystery of Car Sitting!!
It is really creepy. Looking out the window at the grey sky, there are like a MILLION large Black birds sitting on the bare branches of the tree. Feel like I am in that Hitchcock movie...oh you know the one....the name escapes me at the moment. Fortunately I have 10 hungry cats that would like to get a piece of THAT action. Of course even scarier is being surrounded by 10 hungry cats that are just staring at you silently...like they are plotting your slow demise.
Note to self: DO not have anymore cats than you can take on in a fight.
Hmmm looks like I may have to do some "pruning".
So speaking of cats, as aforementioned, my crazy neighbor has one she keeps in a cat carrier like ALL THE TIME. SHe also is ALWAYS sitting in her car. Seriously, I go out in the morning...IN her car....at 9 pm...IN her car. ALWAYS in her car. Very strange. I know she has a house as it is right next door. She isnt smoking anything that I can tell. SHe is just very special. What we used to call "touched". AND she does drive. So she grasps the rules of the roads and concepts of traffic lights but hasn't quite gotten hold of actually moving from the car into the house. I wonder if she just sits there until one of her parents - who she lives with - comes out side to tell her it is ok to come on in. Don't know. Have tried to look busy in the car myself after pulling into my driveway when I have noticed her sitting in her car. I CANT DO IT. 10 min into it I think this is insane and have to escape. BUt she just sits there. Maybe she is taking a nap. Maybe she doesnt know how to work the radio inside the house. She has her own apartment in the house which she hasnt moved into yet though it has been ready for 3 months. I think she is scared. More scarey would be sitting in the car at night for hours at a time! She does hold a job though! I think she has worked at the gas station for about the last 25 years. Good for her. I'm just baffled by the car sitting.
Note to self: DO not have anymore cats than you can take on in a fight.
Hmmm looks like I may have to do some "pruning".
So speaking of cats, as aforementioned, my crazy neighbor has one she keeps in a cat carrier like ALL THE TIME. SHe also is ALWAYS sitting in her car. Seriously, I go out in the morning...IN her car....at 9 pm...IN her car. ALWAYS in her car. Very strange. I know she has a house as it is right next door. She isnt smoking anything that I can tell. SHe is just very special. What we used to call "touched". AND she does drive. So she grasps the rules of the roads and concepts of traffic lights but hasn't quite gotten hold of actually moving from the car into the house. I wonder if she just sits there until one of her parents - who she lives with - comes out side to tell her it is ok to come on in. Don't know. Have tried to look busy in the car myself after pulling into my driveway when I have noticed her sitting in her car. I CANT DO IT. 10 min into it I think this is insane and have to escape. BUt she just sits there. Maybe she is taking a nap. Maybe she doesnt know how to work the radio inside the house. She has her own apartment in the house which she hasnt moved into yet though it has been ready for 3 months. I think she is scared. More scarey would be sitting in the car at night for hours at a time! She does hold a job though! I think she has worked at the gas station for about the last 25 years. Good for her. I'm just baffled by the car sitting.
Too Many Numbers# - 1,782 To be Exact!!!
I was trying to log onto this account to leave a post and I could not remember my account name. It is too much. These days you have to have about 10 different accounts and 29 passwords not to mention 341 pin numbers!!AAAACCCCKKKKK!!!! For example...I have to check 4 email accounts. Well "have to" may be strong but nonetheless I have 4 email accounts. WHY? Well as you'uns know, you have to have an account where all the junk goes, when you sign up for the 10th random online contest and then they sell your address to approx 1.3 million companies who then send you email.
THen there is the one just for your friends and then one for work.
AND don't get me started on pin #'s and passwords! This is why I am not competent at online banking! I signed up to bank online but then I couldn't remember my password....so while I was trying to guess it, after the third bad attempt, the online access permission I had been granted was temporarily frozen. Frozen, meaning I had to drive all the way to the bank and actually go inside and remedy the situation by picking a new password that I probably cant remember either, because it MUST contain 8 #'s and 12 letters!!!!! I mean who actually wants to go inside and have to deal with PEOPLE anymore? One day the only people we will have to see will be our families. All work will be done by computer or by people working on the computer from home....the future of automation...fully operational and people-less factories. Technology Supreme ...by the way....technos from the Greek meaning "evil" or maybe it was "danger" can't remember but I do remember it was a negative denotation. If I could remember the pin # to sign on to my Websters History of the Eng language program I could tell you more definitely!!
THen there is the one just for your friends and then one for work.
AND don't get me started on pin #'s and passwords! This is why I am not competent at online banking! I signed up to bank online but then I couldn't remember my password....so while I was trying to guess it, after the third bad attempt, the online access permission I had been granted was temporarily frozen. Frozen, meaning I had to drive all the way to the bank and actually go inside and remedy the situation by picking a new password that I probably cant remember either, because it MUST contain 8 #'s and 12 letters!!!!! I mean who actually wants to go inside and have to deal with PEOPLE anymore? One day the only people we will have to see will be our families. All work will be done by computer or by people working on the computer from home....the future of automation...fully operational and people-less factories. Technology Supreme ...by the way....technos from the Greek meaning "evil" or maybe it was "danger" can't remember but I do remember it was a negative denotation. If I could remember the pin # to sign on to my Websters History of the Eng language program I could tell you more definitely!!
Free Association at Midnight - Spider Hairs
I was determined to change my body clock and go to bed early. BUT seems that taking Benedryl every night to induce sleep may have adverse effects. As in, I did not take the benedryl last night and my body just WOULD NOT fall asleep. Instead, my mind decided to play free association games, just a barrage of random thoughts...which almost lulled me to sleep until something happened that has happened a couple times before to my shame.
Here it is:
Laying in bed, with the fan on because I have to have the fan on, and I am lying in such a way that my arm is crooked over my head. Suddenly I guess a piece of hair falls across my face but I can't REALLY be sure it is hair when it has the POSSIBILITY of being a spider that has fallen from the ceiling onto my face!! THUS forcing me to swat at my face, pound the pillows and bed all around me in case the little freak is crawling around somewhere and then switch on the light just to search the covers in case it WAS a spider. All the while I'm pretty sure it was just a hair falling onto my face. BUT YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO SURE! THe one time I don't go through the motions it will be a spider and I will awaken covered in hideous lesions!! (was going to say whelps but wasn't sure if it was welps or whelps or if that was a reference to a racing dog)
How pleased the SO (significant other) is with this process you can just imagine...deep sleep interrupted by incessant pounding and thumping, fanning of sheets and then bright lights..."Wha..WHa...What the hell are you doing?" rather meekly "um......I thought a spider fell on my face?".....groan
Here it is:
Laying in bed, with the fan on because I have to have the fan on, and I am lying in such a way that my arm is crooked over my head. Suddenly I guess a piece of hair falls across my face but I can't REALLY be sure it is hair when it has the POSSIBILITY of being a spider that has fallen from the ceiling onto my face!! THUS forcing me to swat at my face, pound the pillows and bed all around me in case the little freak is crawling around somewhere and then switch on the light just to search the covers in case it WAS a spider. All the while I'm pretty sure it was just a hair falling onto my face. BUT YOU JUST CAN'T BE TOO SURE! THe one time I don't go through the motions it will be a spider and I will awaken covered in hideous lesions!! (was going to say whelps but wasn't sure if it was welps or whelps or if that was a reference to a racing dog)
How pleased the SO (significant other) is with this process you can just imagine...deep sleep interrupted by incessant pounding and thumping, fanning of sheets and then bright lights..."Wha..WHa...What the hell are you doing?" rather meekly "um......I thought a spider fell on my face?".....groan
Red Carpet Rant
Remember... this is 2006-2007:
Well I didn't actually watch the GOlden Globes because I really don't care about awards shows in general. I mean, who gives a rats bum about the Hollywood foreign Press when there are so many more interesting things happening on the red carpet.
ok let's start...oh yeah I was just flipping through the yahoo pics coverage out of sheer boredom hell....
This year I am so proud to say the Hillary Swank was not nearly as horsefaced as last year. She actually looked pretty decent. Of course when you have won an oscar or 2, you should be able to pay an image consultant to get rid of your horse face.
Lots of big stars and I mean that Literally. You know I like Camryn Manheim on The Practice but...where the heck has she been and why did she show up on the red carpet this year? It would be like seeing Tom Wopat (Luke Duke) at the globes this year.
Usually I just love Scarlett Johanssen (SP) classic hollywood style - somewhat vintage...I think maybe she was going for a softer look but I couldnt get past her missile tiddies!! MY GOD!! They were sticking straight out! She looked like she had grabbed one of Madonnas old Blond AMbition tour "brones" bra+cone eeek
And I was surprised that the actor in drama award went to the guy from Capote who I just cant get past seeing him slurping the extra grease of the pizza in Along came Polly I think it was...he was such a slob. ANYWHO, hate to make fun of someones date, but OMG...you really should have seen what his date had on...it was a little sad. I guess he is not rich enough of an actor to get his girl a FREAKIN NATIONALLY TELEVISED RED CARPET AWARDS WALK DECENT MAKEOVER! Poor thing looked like she had borrowed her daughters prom dress and cute hair barrette though she was a little oversized for it and a little OLD for it as well. I really enjoyed the "Holy Shit, I can't believe this fat Mother effer was invited! If he wins He better take me to the Denny's for the Surf and Turf meal. Pack of winston's would be nice too. DAMN!" Look that she had on her face the whole time they walked the carpet. I think she may have asked Kevin Bacon to sign her cleavage.
Keira Knightly...could someone please at least put some sort of ugly on her. She could shave her head bald and still be beautiful. Somewhat shockingly, Melissa Etheridge I think actually looks pretty... bald.
THEN there was Natalie Portman who was bald and let's just say a little to Sinead OConner for me. Plus her rather creepy stare leads me to believe she may be a closet scientologist.
What was scarier...Nicolette SHeridans alien face or the man on her arm...Michael Bolton?
Adrian Brody I think just happy to be there. I mean truthfully with a face like that he could do Stay Away from Meth or YOU may look like THIS posters!
Johnny Depp just mussed up bedroom hair look was yummy...what the hell is up with the french redneck trailer park lookin "wife"...(yes I know she is famous in france but it IS la france we are talking about here...plus i may be a tad jealous...un peu)
SO if I won one of those there Golden Balls and had to go to a party, I would be so pissed to see the Hilton's there esp Paris! They just sort of dumb down the place. THey are so lucky they have lots of money otherwise Paris would have been the town tramp who has about 3 kids by the age of 18 from all the married men she sleeps with and MRS hilton would be trying to relive beauty pageant days as a chain smoking blue eye shadow wearing ditz that keeps burning the fish stick dinner because she keeps getting wrapped up in the wheel of fortune. Old Pop Hilton would just be laying around on disability as a drunk. Yeah a real class act of a family. Well to cut them some slack the difference in that scenario is that they do have money and ....well...they do have money.
Well I didn't actually watch the GOlden Globes because I really don't care about awards shows in general. I mean, who gives a rats bum about the Hollywood foreign Press when there are so many more interesting things happening on the red carpet.
ok let's start...oh yeah I was just flipping through the yahoo pics coverage out of sheer boredom hell....
This year I am so proud to say the Hillary Swank was not nearly as horsefaced as last year. She actually looked pretty decent. Of course when you have won an oscar or 2, you should be able to pay an image consultant to get rid of your horse face.
Lots of big stars and I mean that Literally. You know I like Camryn Manheim on The Practice but...where the heck has she been and why did she show up on the red carpet this year? It would be like seeing Tom Wopat (Luke Duke) at the globes this year.
Usually I just love Scarlett Johanssen (SP) classic hollywood style - somewhat vintage...I think maybe she was going for a softer look but I couldnt get past her missile tiddies!! MY GOD!! They were sticking straight out! She looked like she had grabbed one of Madonnas old Blond AMbition tour "brones" bra+cone eeek
And I was surprised that the actor in drama award went to the guy from Capote who I just cant get past seeing him slurping the extra grease of the pizza in Along came Polly I think it was...he was such a slob. ANYWHO, hate to make fun of someones date, but OMG...you really should have seen what his date had on...it was a little sad. I guess he is not rich enough of an actor to get his girl a FREAKIN NATIONALLY TELEVISED RED CARPET AWARDS WALK DECENT MAKEOVER! Poor thing looked like she had borrowed her daughters prom dress and cute hair barrette though she was a little oversized for it and a little OLD for it as well. I really enjoyed the "Holy Shit, I can't believe this fat Mother effer was invited! If he wins He better take me to the Denny's for the Surf and Turf meal. Pack of winston's would be nice too. DAMN!" Look that she had on her face the whole time they walked the carpet. I think she may have asked Kevin Bacon to sign her cleavage.
Keira Knightly...could someone please at least put some sort of ugly on her. She could shave her head bald and still be beautiful. Somewhat shockingly, Melissa Etheridge I think actually looks pretty... bald.
THEN there was Natalie Portman who was bald and let's just say a little to Sinead OConner for me. Plus her rather creepy stare leads me to believe she may be a closet scientologist.
What was scarier...Nicolette SHeridans alien face or the man on her arm...Michael Bolton?
Adrian Brody I think just happy to be there. I mean truthfully with a face like that he could do Stay Away from Meth or YOU may look like THIS posters!
Johnny Depp just mussed up bedroom hair look was yummy...what the hell is up with the french redneck trailer park lookin "wife"...(yes I know she is famous in france but it IS la france we are talking about here...plus i may be a tad jealous...un peu)
SO if I won one of those there Golden Balls and had to go to a party, I would be so pissed to see the Hilton's there esp Paris! They just sort of dumb down the place. THey are so lucky they have lots of money otherwise Paris would have been the town tramp who has about 3 kids by the age of 18 from all the married men she sleeps with and MRS hilton would be trying to relive beauty pageant days as a chain smoking blue eye shadow wearing ditz that keeps burning the fish stick dinner because she keeps getting wrapped up in the wheel of fortune. Old Pop Hilton would just be laying around on disability as a drunk. Yeah a real class act of a family. Well to cut them some slack the difference in that scenario is that they do have money and ....well...they do have money.
Golden Days
AAAHAAAA HAAAA HAAAAA Love that Ricky Martin somehow found it necessary to tell ANY MAGAZINE OR EZINE OR ANYONE IN A PUBLIC FORUM just how much he loved golden showers.................................can't stop laughing at the adorably hot but somewhat stupid star.
He was actually quite graphic in his interview for Blender about how golden showers are great IN the shower describing his own body heat versus the heat of the shower....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
that deserves a BIG DUH! He also said sometimes there "was nothing like a good spank in the butt" and that he is open to trying things sexually....HAHAHAHA
So this just makes me think that he really likes anal beads and little buddha butt plugs. Oh my, he is just an open book. Unfortunately I dont think there is much going on between his ears.
If he isnt talking about golden showers then he is talking about the abuses of human trafficking in the world. Such duality...turns me on...and then off...and then on again...and then off...
He was actually quite graphic in his interview for Blender about how golden showers are great IN the shower describing his own body heat versus the heat of the shower....HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
that deserves a BIG DUH! He also said sometimes there "was nothing like a good spank in the butt" and that he is open to trying things sexually....HAHAHAHA
So this just makes me think that he really likes anal beads and little buddha butt plugs. Oh my, he is just an open book. Unfortunately I dont think there is much going on between his ears.
If he isnt talking about golden showers then he is talking about the abuses of human trafficking in the world. Such duality...turns me on...and then off...and then on again...and then off...
Significant Other People
Jan 07:
How quickly does your SO...significant other...turn into an S.O.B? After all it is only a one letter difference. Just like being married is only an I (which i like to call your figurative self) away from being marred (which could be interpreted as ruined or stained).
I love the way the british tell people to sod off. I think that is my favorite "foreign phrase". Shagging however makes me think more of baseball than sex. So if Colin Firth were to ask me if I wanted to shag, I would probably say "um, I'm not much on baseball but if you would rather just have sex, I'm all up for that!"...you know..not because I am sex freak but because it is Colin Firth or as I like to think of him, Mark Darcy.
(if you don't know who Mark Darcy is and you are a woman, then you are
a. a disgrace
b. too young to give a crap
c. too old and embittered by your own life that instead you prefer the company of soap opera characters to your own family.
If you know who Mark Darcy is and you are a man
a. you have an overly emotionally needy girlfriend/wife that you're actually trying to please
b. you're gay)
on a side note, I met a guy who actually talks like Right Said Fred in the I'm too sexy part of the song. Well I didnt really meet him per se but i did actually laugh at him aloud. He was talking to the CVS macist...sort of in rhythm too.... and he had the same voice as Right Said Fred guy.
RSF Rx Guy- I'm (pause) not sure I understand (pause) the way to use the cream (pause) is there an applicaaaatooorr? [I'm (pause) to sexy for my shirt (pause) to sexy for my shirt (pause) so sexy it huuuurts]
Pharmacist - mumble jumble
RSF Guy: I (pause) just put it on my finger (pause) and then I rub it in (pause) it shouldn't buuurrrnn?
Laugh aloud, catch pharmacists eye and try to turn laugh into sad little throat clearing allergy type cough. But it was just so dang funny...
How quickly does your SO...significant other...turn into an S.O.B? After all it is only a one letter difference. Just like being married is only an I (which i like to call your figurative self) away from being marred (which could be interpreted as ruined or stained).
I love the way the british tell people to sod off. I think that is my favorite "foreign phrase". Shagging however makes me think more of baseball than sex. So if Colin Firth were to ask me if I wanted to shag, I would probably say "um, I'm not much on baseball but if you would rather just have sex, I'm all up for that!"...you know..not because I am sex freak but because it is Colin Firth or as I like to think of him, Mark Darcy.
(if you don't know who Mark Darcy is and you are a woman, then you are
a. a disgrace
b. too young to give a crap
c. too old and embittered by your own life that instead you prefer the company of soap opera characters to your own family.
If you know who Mark Darcy is and you are a man
a. you have an overly emotionally needy girlfriend/wife that you're actually trying to please
b. you're gay)
on a side note, I met a guy who actually talks like Right Said Fred in the I'm too sexy part of the song. Well I didnt really meet him per se but i did actually laugh at him aloud. He was talking to the CVS macist...sort of in rhythm too.... and he had the same voice as Right Said Fred guy.
RSF Rx Guy- I'm (pause) not sure I understand (pause) the way to use the cream (pause) is there an applicaaaatooorr? [I'm (pause) to sexy for my shirt (pause) to sexy for my shirt (pause) so sexy it huuuurts]
Pharmacist - mumble jumble
RSF Guy: I (pause) just put it on my finger (pause) and then I rub it in (pause) it shouldn't buuurrrnn?
Laugh aloud, catch pharmacists eye and try to turn laugh into sad little throat clearing allergy type cough. But it was just so dang funny...
Makin' WHoopee
You know why I like old people? Because they say things that no one really uses anymore and I just love that. And I must confess that on occassion I revert to using some of these myself without realizing it.
Like Hosepipe for garden or water hose. "the hosepipe is hooked up to the spigot."
I like spigot too...though a more appropriate definition might be: slang, refers to a large, rotund racist man of spanish descent............. ya know, a cross between spic and bigot but it all gets confusing when you substitute new slang for old slang...
but i digress
counterpane..."Look at all the dust on the counterpane, I really need to clean that." I heard that from my granny alot but never really knew what she was talking about but it must have been very dirty. I think maybe she was talking about the edge of the window sill on the interior.
Apothecary...which is a little unsettling to hear an old person call the local walgreens that
Washing powders....in lieu of detergent
Brown Derby...a DQ dipped cone
the Cuisinart...used liberally to indicate any modern kitchen cooking appliance
Aspergum...because that always WORKS to get rid of a raunchy head ache
Parlor ... does anyone really have one of these anymore, I just call mines the den
Get out the 8 millimeter...which refers to really old home movies, and not hey get the gun
Like Hosepipe for garden or water hose. "the hosepipe is hooked up to the spigot."
I like spigot too...though a more appropriate definition might be: slang, refers to a large, rotund racist man of spanish descent............. ya know, a cross between spic and bigot but it all gets confusing when you substitute new slang for old slang...
but i digress
counterpane..."Look at all the dust on the counterpane, I really need to clean that." I heard that from my granny alot but never really knew what she was talking about but it must have been very dirty. I think maybe she was talking about the edge of the window sill on the interior.
Apothecary...which is a little unsettling to hear an old person call the local walgreens that
Washing powders....in lieu of detergent
Brown Derby...a DQ dipped cone
the Cuisinart...used liberally to indicate any modern kitchen cooking appliance
Aspergum...because that always WORKS to get rid of a raunchy head ache
Parlor ... does anyone really have one of these anymore, I just call mines the den
Get out the 8 millimeter...which refers to really old home movies, and not hey get the gun
10.30.2009
What I Want
What I really want is a good read. I am hoping that through some mystic connection AL Franken and Moses can team up to write a book. Secretly hoping for THe Idiots Guide to the 10 Commandments for Rush Limbaugh to Lose Weight...I really feel there is a strong market for that.
Further Reading Combo's I would like to see in a new section adopted by all bookstores worldwide.....Divergent Readings for the NonPlussed
Shaggy and George W BUsh.......Zoikes, It's the Ghastly She-yikes (Shiites)
Barney and Michael Jackson.....How to hug kids without getting a stiffy
Hillary Clinton and Bathsheeba....Hard Balls
Tammy Faye Baker and Joe Simpson...5 Habits of Highly Successful Religi-O-Bots
aka How God can Make YOU rich!
50 Cent and Betty Crocker....Whip IT Naked
George Foreman and Martha Stewart...10 second foreplay (Hit that bitch hard)
Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise....How Ritalin helps You make friends with Scientologists
Further Reading Combo's I would like to see in a new section adopted by all bookstores worldwide.....Divergent Readings for the NonPlussed
Shaggy and George W BUsh.......Zoikes, It's the Ghastly She-yikes (Shiites)
Barney and Michael Jackson.....How to hug kids without getting a stiffy
Hillary Clinton and Bathsheeba....Hard Balls
Tammy Faye Baker and Joe Simpson...5 Habits of Highly Successful Religi-O-Bots
aka How God can Make YOU rich!
50 Cent and Betty Crocker....Whip IT Naked
George Foreman and Martha Stewart...10 second foreplay (Hit that bitch hard)
Matt Lauer and Tom Cruise....How Ritalin helps You make friends with Scientologists
Silver Linings
Xmas 05...cont:
I am now past the purging through vomitation and have moved on to self defeat of the acceptance that Xmas really does stand for X....or generation X...mas or whatever X is. I have a suspicion that it could refer to the drug ecstasy, in which case the holidays would be a little brighter.
Dont worry about a present because there just really isnt enough room in my house for anything else. Of course if you INSIST on a gift, and INSIST on my telling you what I want, then PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.......BUY IT!! I mean. if I ask for a $15 DVD and you just cant come up with that, then let's just forgo it altogether.
My Xmas Experience - picture it - Xmas 2005 - my mother's house - gifts and people abound
I hadn't opened any of my gifts yet when I was caught by a gift my sister received. 1 lovely birds nest necklace with multi colored pearls as eggs. At first I was a little hysterical but then very happy she got it and not me.
SO I am fully expecting my Budokon DVD for $15 which I also provided the # for ordering information as well, when I notice that none of my gifts (due to their size) could possibly hold the dvd.
Ahhh but the silver lining of it all is this......I too got a birds nest necklace. And there is no amount of Budokon DVD's that can compare to that! What a lucky girl am I......
I am now past the purging through vomitation and have moved on to self defeat of the acceptance that Xmas really does stand for X....or generation X...mas or whatever X is. I have a suspicion that it could refer to the drug ecstasy, in which case the holidays would be a little brighter.
Dont worry about a present because there just really isnt enough room in my house for anything else. Of course if you INSIST on a gift, and INSIST on my telling you what I want, then PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD.......BUY IT!! I mean. if I ask for a $15 DVD and you just cant come up with that, then let's just forgo it altogether.
My Xmas Experience - picture it - Xmas 2005 - my mother's house - gifts and people abound
I hadn't opened any of my gifts yet when I was caught by a gift my sister received. 1 lovely birds nest necklace with multi colored pearls as eggs. At first I was a little hysterical but then very happy she got it and not me.
SO I am fully expecting my Budokon DVD for $15 which I also provided the # for ordering information as well, when I notice that none of my gifts (due to their size) could possibly hold the dvd.
Ahhh but the silver lining of it all is this......I too got a birds nest necklace. And there is no amount of Budokon DVD's that can compare to that! What a lucky girl am I......
Recovering Christmas-aholic
Christmas 05:
Sooooooo, Does anyone else want to just vomit to purge their system of Xmas or is it just me?
Sooooooo, Does anyone else want to just vomit to purge their system of Xmas or is it just me?
Hybrids
It's the Good Hybrid/Bad Hybrid Report.
So in another crazy human obsession, much like our obsession with Collapsible Things, it came to light tonight that hybridization is sweeping the nation.
Flipping through the seed catalog that I get for no reason I understand, it hit me that we are struggling to create hybrids like crazy and for the potential good of mankind. So I guess we can list the hybrids in effect.
Hybrids - For the Overwhelming good of mankind
1. THe hybrid car...good for the environment - good for the wallet ok and they are getting better looking all the time.
2. The cheddar cauliflower - that's right there is now a Cheddar cauliflower that grows tinted a cheddar orangey color thanks to the beta carotenes that have been added. SO now we get double benefits for eating cauliflower. WOW but a little creepy.
3. The purple and orange carrot - (I did say I was reading a seed magazine) another vitamin and mineral beneficial root. It actually looks like a purple and orange flower when you look at a cross section of it. Also of interest is the Burpless Tasty Green Cucumber guaranteed to leave you bloat and burp free...hmm interesting
Other useful and health related hybrid and combined items:
Face Moisturizer with SPF
Eggs with extra Vitamin E
vacuums with Hepa Filters - Good product by the way
Santa Claus and the birth of Jesus
Gin and Tonic
Fragrant Bug Spray and skin softener
But what about Bad Hybrid Ideas? Perhaps we should have a list of things to avoid so we don't waste valuable research money on it...
Hi Fiber Krystal Burgers
any movie with Whoopi Goldberg cast opposite any b rated actor
Lipgloss that doubles as a mini vibrator
Underwear that automatically performs a prostate check
twisty cats - oh wait they did that already - you can check them out by googling twisty cat
hot salt water flavored cough drop - you know to skip the gargling part when you have a sore throat
wool carpet cleaning rag
So in another crazy human obsession, much like our obsession with Collapsible Things, it came to light tonight that hybridization is sweeping the nation.
Flipping through the seed catalog that I get for no reason I understand, it hit me that we are struggling to create hybrids like crazy and for the potential good of mankind. So I guess we can list the hybrids in effect.
Hybrids - For the Overwhelming good of mankind
1. THe hybrid car...good for the environment - good for the wallet ok and they are getting better looking all the time.
2. The cheddar cauliflower - that's right there is now a Cheddar cauliflower that grows tinted a cheddar orangey color thanks to the beta carotenes that have been added. SO now we get double benefits for eating cauliflower. WOW but a little creepy.
3. The purple and orange carrot - (I did say I was reading a seed magazine) another vitamin and mineral beneficial root. It actually looks like a purple and orange flower when you look at a cross section of it. Also of interest is the Burpless Tasty Green Cucumber guaranteed to leave you bloat and burp free...hmm interesting
Other useful and health related hybrid and combined items:
Face Moisturizer with SPF
Eggs with extra Vitamin E
vacuums with Hepa Filters - Good product by the way
Santa Claus and the birth of Jesus
Gin and Tonic
Fragrant Bug Spray and skin softener
But what about Bad Hybrid Ideas? Perhaps we should have a list of things to avoid so we don't waste valuable research money on it...
Hi Fiber Krystal Burgers
any movie with Whoopi Goldberg cast opposite any b rated actor
Lipgloss that doubles as a mini vibrator
Underwear that automatically performs a prostate check
twisty cats - oh wait they did that already - you can check them out by googling twisty cat
hot salt water flavored cough drop - you know to skip the gargling part when you have a sore throat
wool carpet cleaning rag
Peeves and Pleasures
So I guess I will start with the pleasures, which will be short not that I don't have lots of pleasures but there is one that I indulged in this evening that I thought worth mentioning.
Pleasure 1 - Standing in front of the hot oven with the door cracked open, shirt pulled out and letting all that intense heat warm me up...aaaaahhhh love it. Of course hair dryer up the shirt works equally well. Which makes me think I spend a lot of time just being cold.
ON to peeves which I have many more of but these are my top ones.
1. Wearing socks in the house and stepping in a random wet spot on the floor. Pisses me off. Why is there always a random wet spot on my floors that I ALWAYS step in?!?! WHY?!?!
2. People who cut their finger nails in public places. I don't know, it has always just held a gross factor for me. Perhaps it is the click of the clipper and I know that a nail fragment is flying through the air somewhere!
3. People who write something in pencil and then try to erase it with an eraser that is already below the metal part on the pencil so all you have is that evil scratchy noise and shredded paper look. uuugh that gives me chills......................
4. Coming home, in a hurry to get inside and get groceries put up, or etc etc when the freakin neighbor is waiting on me as soon as I open the car door to get out and wants to talk to me for 30 minutes in the freezin cold. PISSES ME OFF. And of course because he is a little slow I feel bad being mean, but he doesn't understand the "appropriate I'll talk to you later signals"!!! @&$@%@&!!! I am now scanning my driveway to make sure the neighbor is not outside when I come home. If he is, I just keep driving past my own darn house until he is done with his smoke and goes back in!
5. Cat hairball upchucks...need I say more. I think not.
6. Sayings by my mother that try to explain fair, semi- bad, and bad things that happen to me in a way that insinuate that these things are directly proportional to my sinful lifestyle. And we are neither Irish Catholic, Jewish nor snakehandlers. This of course merits an entirely new post.
Pleasure 1 - Standing in front of the hot oven with the door cracked open, shirt pulled out and letting all that intense heat warm me up...aaaaahhhh love it. Of course hair dryer up the shirt works equally well. Which makes me think I spend a lot of time just being cold.
ON to peeves which I have many more of but these are my top ones.
1. Wearing socks in the house and stepping in a random wet spot on the floor. Pisses me off. Why is there always a random wet spot on my floors that I ALWAYS step in?!?! WHY?!?!
2. People who cut their finger nails in public places. I don't know, it has always just held a gross factor for me. Perhaps it is the click of the clipper and I know that a nail fragment is flying through the air somewhere!
3. People who write something in pencil and then try to erase it with an eraser that is already below the metal part on the pencil so all you have is that evil scratchy noise and shredded paper look. uuugh that gives me chills......................
4. Coming home, in a hurry to get inside and get groceries put up, or etc etc when the freakin neighbor is waiting on me as soon as I open the car door to get out and wants to talk to me for 30 minutes in the freezin cold. PISSES ME OFF. And of course because he is a little slow I feel bad being mean, but he doesn't understand the "appropriate I'll talk to you later signals"!!! @&$@%@&!!! I am now scanning my driveway to make sure the neighbor is not outside when I come home. If he is, I just keep driving past my own darn house until he is done with his smoke and goes back in!
5. Cat hairball upchucks...need I say more. I think not.
6. Sayings by my mother that try to explain fair, semi- bad, and bad things that happen to me in a way that insinuate that these things are directly proportional to my sinful lifestyle. And we are neither Irish Catholic, Jewish nor snakehandlers. This of course merits an entirely new post.
Collapsible Things
I don't think we ever really pay attention to how we, as a society, appreciate collapsible things. SO in a tribute to CT here is my list of cool and unique collapsible things.
1. Collapsible Christmas Trees - pre-lit pre decorated you just push a button and it mechanically rises out of a box and TaDah you have tree. Amazingly lazy.
2. Collapsible file folders - personally I have one and you can just shove 20 inches of paperwork in one and shut it and and you have about 18.5 bulging inches of space left
3. Space Saver bags - just throw in clothing or bedding that is not made of silk or taffeta or any material that is slick and you can suck that joker down to a pancake using the vacuum.
4. Lungs - Just amazing that they can deflate and then be re-inflated. Of course when you go to get a cortisone shot in the chest and the nurse says "I hope you are not nervous. THe Dr has only punctured a lung once" , well that doesn't really put you at ease!
5. Collapsible Golf umbrellas - I swear they take an umbrella with a 10 foot diameter and by the time you are done retracting and folding you are left with a 3 inch stick. AMAZINGLY expensive
6. Collapsible Cane chairs - once again a clarification - not chairs made of cane wood but wooden canes used by the elderly and cripple which once unfolded can be opened into beautiful Chippendale style chairs and then folded back down into a sleek circular walking stick - really!
(AND NO I DONT WANT TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF CANE AS WOOD!!)
7-20...collapsible eating utensils - and the point would be?
collapsible tables - very useful when you have more people at your house than you would like
collapsible swimming pools - def the latest trend in CT's
collapsible lunchboxes - because the small lunch box takes up SO much room in your locker/desk
travel grills, camping gear, portable toilets, frisbees, cups, spyglasses, and toothbrushes etc etc
Love the Collapsible obsession....astronomer "I just invented the worlds largest telescope and have discovered life on a planet in another galaxy" The rest of the world " umm yesss...but is there any way you could just sort of fold it up or retract it? Yeah...that would be great..."
1. Collapsible Christmas Trees - pre-lit pre decorated you just push a button and it mechanically rises out of a box and TaDah you have tree. Amazingly lazy.
2. Collapsible file folders - personally I have one and you can just shove 20 inches of paperwork in one and shut it and and you have about 18.5 bulging inches of space left
3. Space Saver bags - just throw in clothing or bedding that is not made of silk or taffeta or any material that is slick and you can suck that joker down to a pancake using the vacuum.
4. Lungs - Just amazing that they can deflate and then be re-inflated. Of course when you go to get a cortisone shot in the chest and the nurse says "I hope you are not nervous. THe Dr has only punctured a lung once" , well that doesn't really put you at ease!
5. Collapsible Golf umbrellas - I swear they take an umbrella with a 10 foot diameter and by the time you are done retracting and folding you are left with a 3 inch stick. AMAZINGLY expensive
6. Collapsible Cane chairs - once again a clarification - not chairs made of cane wood but wooden canes used by the elderly and cripple which once unfolded can be opened into beautiful Chippendale style chairs and then folded back down into a sleek circular walking stick - really!
(AND NO I DONT WANT TO DISCUSS THE MERITS OF CANE AS WOOD!!)
7-20...collapsible eating utensils - and the point would be?
collapsible tables - very useful when you have more people at your house than you would like
collapsible swimming pools - def the latest trend in CT's
collapsible lunchboxes - because the small lunch box takes up SO much room in your locker/desk
travel grills, camping gear, portable toilets, frisbees, cups, spyglasses, and toothbrushes etc etc
Love the Collapsible obsession....astronomer "I just invented the worlds largest telescope and have discovered life on a planet in another galaxy" The rest of the world " umm yesss...but is there any way you could just sort of fold it up or retract it? Yeah...that would be great..."
To Bug
TO my friend Nat who is now an official attorney:
This is my dedication to my friend bug who is now officially 1/2 way through law school!! YAY BUG!!! SO I thought I may regale you with a little story on how to celebrate this occasion.
I went out to the big town of Nashville, and of course for some reason I got to see some very incredible sights. But there was one in particular that reminded me of you and your great acheivement.
SO I am standing on the very busy club lined street just staring for no particular reason at the horse drawn buggy. Big belgian horse is just standing there when this incredibly drunk, wobbly, and fish netted hooker on a cell phone comes up to "pay-yet the purty horrrrrrsssseeeeyy" Well the horse either didnt like the whisky breath or the whiny voice one so he lifted his head at her and knocked her over a couple times back to the sidewalk. It was the damn funniest thing I have seen in a while. As it turns out she wasnt actually a hooker but a 1/2 way through law school law student who just happened to be celebrating with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 with her pal the chinese pizza delivery boy and the midget from the tattoo emporium. Sooooo that suggestion I gave you on how to celebrate, you may want to ignore it if you don't want to end up in fish net tights!
Until Niagara Falls or if you recall Until Snow White is Shit Brown
Congrats
This is my dedication to my friend bug who is now officially 1/2 way through law school!! YAY BUG!!! SO I thought I may regale you with a little story on how to celebrate this occasion.
I went out to the big town of Nashville, and of course for some reason I got to see some very incredible sights. But there was one in particular that reminded me of you and your great acheivement.
SO I am standing on the very busy club lined street just staring for no particular reason at the horse drawn buggy. Big belgian horse is just standing there when this incredibly drunk, wobbly, and fish netted hooker on a cell phone comes up to "pay-yet the purty horrrrrrsssseeeeyy" Well the horse either didnt like the whisky breath or the whiny voice one so he lifted his head at her and knocked her over a couple times back to the sidewalk. It was the damn funniest thing I have seen in a while. As it turns out she wasnt actually a hooker but a 1/2 way through law school law student who just happened to be celebrating with a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 with her pal the chinese pizza delivery boy and the midget from the tattoo emporium. Sooooo that suggestion I gave you on how to celebrate, you may want to ignore it if you don't want to end up in fish net tights!
Until Niagara Falls or if you recall Until Snow White is Shit Brown
Congrats
Picklegrits and Ebay
Ok.. you have to reference the very first blog to know the backstory here:
Well I finally got a tracking number for my item from old dead PickleGrits as I like to call Granny Pearl my dead ebay partner. And I did NOT order elvis soaps or corn callus remover.
It is somewhat surreal to technically carry on a transaction with an actual cold one - as i like to call the dead - Of course her family is doing the leg work but it is still her auction. Feel as if she is directing it all from the grave.
You do what you can I suppose. Of course what this means to me is this,
new ebay slogan
EBAY and DEATH...Bid without fear....WHat are you waiting for..Eternity?
or maybe
Ebay and THE DEAD....a Partnership of Power
or
Ebay: Bid Happy, Bid Often, Bid Cold....We don't care
Well I finally got a tracking number for my item from old dead PickleGrits as I like to call Granny Pearl my dead ebay partner. And I did NOT order elvis soaps or corn callus remover.
It is somewhat surreal to technically carry on a transaction with an actual cold one - as i like to call the dead - Of course her family is doing the leg work but it is still her auction. Feel as if she is directing it all from the grave.
You do what you can I suppose. Of course what this means to me is this,
new ebay slogan
EBAY and DEATH...Bid without fear....WHat are you waiting for..Eternity?
or maybe
Ebay and THE DEAD....a Partnership of Power
or
Ebay: Bid Happy, Bid Often, Bid Cold....We don't care
Average Women's Secrets
2005...2009... still applicable I'd say:
Ok let me clarify, it is the secrets of the average woman, not average secrets of exceptional women. It starts like this. I am just lazing in the shower, which is secret #1 really. Average woman with children's escape - the shower!! Typically no one follows you in. Well sometimes the 3 yr old runs and jumps in and spends MY shower time sliding from one end of the tub to the other. But not so today. I just left the kids alone and escaped. And I thought maybe I might just shave my legs but the water was just so warm that all i could do was the sway. Then the reverie was broken as the 6 yr old came in screaming fanatically about a fire in the house. OH MY GOD! THey've been playing with matches again probably. SO i grab a towel and my mind is racing about how it has FINALLY happened. I am going to be outside my burning house in nothing but a too small towel, some seriously unshaven legs, a greenish clay facial mask still caked on me face...and voila! the Glory. Turns out the "fire" was only all the steam from the shower billowing into the damn bedroom. Glad there was no fire but a little perturbed that my reverie was so horridly shattered. Which brings me to the secrets of an average woman with kids. Let's just get them out there, free myself and indulge all the clueless guys who think marriage is about getting poonanny anytime they want.(hehehe i said poonanny)
#1. You will have sex WAY less once you are married esp with kids. There is probably a very mathematical ratio for this in which the more kids, the less sexual encounters you have of any kind. It happens. TO everyone.
#2. Silky smooth legs HAHAHAHAHA nope forget it! Moms rarely have time for a shower let alone time to shave those legs that the men dont get to touch anyway, not to mention bikini, pits, etc etc etc ....However, weird equation here...while you may see a nice looking, well dressed lady at the store, she prob has 2" long leg and pit hairs, a crazy ass "fun patch" for lack of better terms, BUT no doubt she has taken pains to pluck every last stray eyebrow because THAT is so much more noticeable than gorilla legs, oh and heaven forbid there be a chin hair.
#3. Women like meat. I dont care how friggin vegetarian you are, if you grew up eating meat you STILL like it. My sister is a vegetarian and I am FOREVER catching her eating BBQ and turkey.
BTW - she is not a vegetarian any more...for the most part.
Ok let me clarify, it is the secrets of the average woman, not average secrets of exceptional women. It starts like this. I am just lazing in the shower, which is secret #1 really. Average woman with children's escape - the shower!! Typically no one follows you in. Well sometimes the 3 yr old runs and jumps in and spends MY shower time sliding from one end of the tub to the other. But not so today. I just left the kids alone and escaped. And I thought maybe I might just shave my legs but the water was just so warm that all i could do was the sway. Then the reverie was broken as the 6 yr old came in screaming fanatically about a fire in the house. OH MY GOD! THey've been playing with matches again probably. SO i grab a towel and my mind is racing about how it has FINALLY happened. I am going to be outside my burning house in nothing but a too small towel, some seriously unshaven legs, a greenish clay facial mask still caked on me face...and voila! the Glory. Turns out the "fire" was only all the steam from the shower billowing into the damn bedroom. Glad there was no fire but a little perturbed that my reverie was so horridly shattered. Which brings me to the secrets of an average woman with kids. Let's just get them out there, free myself and indulge all the clueless guys who think marriage is about getting poonanny anytime they want.(hehehe i said poonanny)
#1. You will have sex WAY less once you are married esp with kids. There is probably a very mathematical ratio for this in which the more kids, the less sexual encounters you have of any kind. It happens. TO everyone.
#2. Silky smooth legs HAHAHAHAHA nope forget it! Moms rarely have time for a shower let alone time to shave those legs that the men dont get to touch anyway, not to mention bikini, pits, etc etc etc ....However, weird equation here...while you may see a nice looking, well dressed lady at the store, she prob has 2" long leg and pit hairs, a crazy ass "fun patch" for lack of better terms, BUT no doubt she has taken pains to pluck every last stray eyebrow because THAT is so much more noticeable than gorilla legs, oh and heaven forbid there be a chin hair.
#3. Women like meat. I dont care how friggin vegetarian you are, if you grew up eating meat you STILL like it. My sister is a vegetarian and I am FOREVER catching her eating BBQ and turkey.
BTW - she is not a vegetarian any more...for the most part.
Women and the Pimps who Scorn Them... 2005
2005 Recap:
Well I am on a role tonight and inspired by the last blog entry I feel we should note the great effort of men this year to push women at least back into the kitchen if not the stone age.
So here is the A-list of the females and the men who bitch slapped them...
Mary-Kate and Ashley vs. The reporter who simply stated that even with their own make- up line, there was no way to hide their orangutuan inspired features!! - ooh cruel and harsh - I mean let's cut the twin stick figures some slack - or as daddy likes to call them...my little money monkeys. oops...well so what if they resemble one of our apish friends, let's not draw attention to it. After all self esteem is something one really can't buy in LA and apparently you can't find it in rehab either.
Any woman who dated Colin Farrell vs. Colin Farrell Yeah I probably spelled your name wrong you egomaniacal man (note that you can't have egomaniacal without the man in the middle) He lists his favorite personality trait as megalomania. FOr those with a small dictionary - it means ME MAN
CARRY BIG STICK...Get your head out of your bum and your dick out of the 1/3 of the female population you copulated with this year...try Sexaholics Anonymous - it worked for Michael Douglas and he now has the benefit of being 70 and getting to bone catherine zeta-jones once a month.
Katie Holmes vs.Tom Cruise Why well because he just flat out took advantage of her sweet and trusting dispostion. In fact I can picture tom saying "yeah I like it in dis position right here...oh yeah" Ask Katie a
year ago if she thought she would become a scientologist, get preggers and have her own sweet man buy an ultrasound to "watch" the baby...well you might think it was a plot to one of the thrillers she so likes to do. Run girl...GET AWAY!!! Do NOT let him give the baby to the aliens.
My friend Dena vs.her sorry ass boyfriend I was obligated to put her on the list as her fella is just a loser who spends more time in womens clothes than she does. Plus he had her move to Montana so he could "harvest timber"...the only thing he has ever harvested has been a nickel bag of weed. Loser!
Kate Moss vs. the Wiley Reporter who set her up and caught her on video doing cocaine and sold it to everyone!! But he missed the point entirely. So what if she was doing 1 or 10 lines of cocaine, back when she started modeling the main menu was to snort down a 1/2 brick of heroine. I say that is a good sign that she has given up a bad habit for a good one. If you had to look that austere (bummed out, ravaged) walking down the runway, you would have to be coming down from a good high. As long as she doesn't tilt right off the catwalk, let her strut her stuff.
Sienna Miller vs. Jude Law because he just cant keep his snogging stick in his pants. Bad enough that your unwed girlfriend is preggers when you do it, but to do it with the BABYSITTER. Sienne and Jude, note to selves, DO NOT HIRE A HOT BABYSITTER!! Next time try a gay sitter and if Jude finds himself in bed with the sitter then, well there may be a whole new issue other than infidelity that Jude has to deal with.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Brad freaking Pitt - even his publicist cant put a spin on the Brangelina fiasco.
My Cat vs. Her Daddy well it is a tragic year and a sordid story of the rape of my teenage cat by her father, the ensuing impregnation, and then the birth of kittens of highly questionable intelligence. Just tragic.
Rebecca vs. Randall and in perhaps the WORST PUBLIC BITCH SLAPPING EPISODE OF 2005 - Randall denies Rebecca on the Apprentice the opportunity to oversee an entirely different project than his ALL because he didn't want to share that coveted title of Apprentii with Rebecca. NOW Randall, didn't your momma teach you how to play fair? BUt as we all know, they were both stars, Randalls slowly fizzing out and Rebeccas...well it is just shining brighter than ever. You go girl, and tell Randall he aint yo Huggy Bear no mo'
Well I am on a role tonight and inspired by the last blog entry I feel we should note the great effort of men this year to push women at least back into the kitchen if not the stone age.
So here is the A-list of the females and the men who bitch slapped them...
Mary-Kate and Ashley vs. The reporter who simply stated that even with their own make- up line, there was no way to hide their orangutuan inspired features!! - ooh cruel and harsh - I mean let's cut the twin stick figures some slack - or as daddy likes to call them...my little money monkeys. oops...well so what if they resemble one of our apish friends, let's not draw attention to it. After all self esteem is something one really can't buy in LA and apparently you can't find it in rehab either.
Any woman who dated Colin Farrell vs. Colin Farrell Yeah I probably spelled your name wrong you egomaniacal man (note that you can't have egomaniacal without the man in the middle) He lists his favorite personality trait as megalomania. FOr those with a small dictionary - it means ME MAN
CARRY BIG STICK...Get your head out of your bum and your dick out of the 1/3 of the female population you copulated with this year...try Sexaholics Anonymous - it worked for Michael Douglas and he now has the benefit of being 70 and getting to bone catherine zeta-jones once a month.
Katie Holmes vs.Tom Cruise Why well because he just flat out took advantage of her sweet and trusting dispostion. In fact I can picture tom saying "yeah I like it in dis position right here...oh yeah" Ask Katie a
year ago if she thought she would become a scientologist, get preggers and have her own sweet man buy an ultrasound to "watch" the baby...well you might think it was a plot to one of the thrillers she so likes to do. Run girl...GET AWAY!!! Do NOT let him give the baby to the aliens.
My friend Dena vs.her sorry ass boyfriend I was obligated to put her on the list as her fella is just a loser who spends more time in womens clothes than she does. Plus he had her move to Montana so he could "harvest timber"...the only thing he has ever harvested has been a nickel bag of weed. Loser!
Kate Moss vs. the Wiley Reporter who set her up and caught her on video doing cocaine and sold it to everyone!! But he missed the point entirely. So what if she was doing 1 or 10 lines of cocaine, back when she started modeling the main menu was to snort down a 1/2 brick of heroine. I say that is a good sign that she has given up a bad habit for a good one. If you had to look that austere (bummed out, ravaged) walking down the runway, you would have to be coming down from a good high. As long as she doesn't tilt right off the catwalk, let her strut her stuff.
Sienna Miller vs. Jude Law because he just cant keep his snogging stick in his pants. Bad enough that your unwed girlfriend is preggers when you do it, but to do it with the BABYSITTER. Sienne and Jude, note to selves, DO NOT HIRE A HOT BABYSITTER!! Next time try a gay sitter and if Jude finds himself in bed with the sitter then, well there may be a whole new issue other than infidelity that Jude has to deal with.
Jennifer Aniston vs. Brad freaking Pitt - even his publicist cant put a spin on the Brangelina fiasco.
My Cat vs. Her Daddy well it is a tragic year and a sordid story of the rape of my teenage cat by her father, the ensuing impregnation, and then the birth of kittens of highly questionable intelligence. Just tragic.
Rebecca vs. Randall and in perhaps the WORST PUBLIC BITCH SLAPPING EPISODE OF 2005 - Randall denies Rebecca on the Apprentice the opportunity to oversee an entirely different project than his ALL because he didn't want to share that coveted title of Apprentii with Rebecca. NOW Randall, didn't your momma teach you how to play fair? BUt as we all know, they were both stars, Randalls slowly fizzing out and Rebeccas...well it is just shining brighter than ever. You go girl, and tell Randall he aint yo Huggy Bear no mo'
Randall Pimp Slaps Rebecca
Wow this one is a throw back. 2nd Season of the Apprentice I believe:
Last night on the season finale of THE Apprentice - Randall finally flexed his negroid muscle and pimp slapped Rebecca back to grammar school. Why? My guess is greed and the threat this young and extremely talented girl posed. Sure they would be on seperate projects, but two shining stars in a Billion Dollar company is just one star too many. Apparently it is one star too many even for a television series (no wonder the women of Desperate Housewives fame can't get along). So when Randall held the fate of Rebecca's professional career in his hands, there was no reciprocating his "respect" he long claimed for her as a contemporary and "friend". How she kept from leaping out of that chair and beating that bald head with Trumps name plate is beyond me. So when the Today show inevitably confronted Randall he used the ever so lame example of an Olympic Gold Medalist sharing the gold with the silver medalist. Come on Randall!! Do you really expect us to believe that was the only excuse you, a Rhodes Scholar, could muster. It isn't even comparable. The Olympic is a moment in time that is centered on people competing for the same position. Rebecca didn't even choose the same project as you. Not to mention you dashed her dreams completely of pursuing a long term position. The silver medalist walks away with A SILVER MEDAL!! Rebecca walked away with nothing. Nothing that is except her dignity. And of course she couldn't have said it better..."I would have hired Randall. You don't want to turn away anyone that brings great potential as an employee especially in a managment position"...well stated Rebecca. Off you go. The year of women scorned - you should hook up with Jennifer Anniston and you two can chat about the public bitch slaps you both endured. And dear Randall, Congratulations! You will now be forever known as the greedy destroyer Pimp Bastard of 2005.
Last night on the season finale of THE Apprentice - Randall finally flexed his negroid muscle and pimp slapped Rebecca back to grammar school. Why? My guess is greed and the threat this young and extremely talented girl posed. Sure they would be on seperate projects, but two shining stars in a Billion Dollar company is just one star too many. Apparently it is one star too many even for a television series (no wonder the women of Desperate Housewives fame can't get along). So when Randall held the fate of Rebecca's professional career in his hands, there was no reciprocating his "respect" he long claimed for her as a contemporary and "friend". How she kept from leaping out of that chair and beating that bald head with Trumps name plate is beyond me. So when the Today show inevitably confronted Randall he used the ever so lame example of an Olympic Gold Medalist sharing the gold with the silver medalist. Come on Randall!! Do you really expect us to believe that was the only excuse you, a Rhodes Scholar, could muster. It isn't even comparable. The Olympic is a moment in time that is centered on people competing for the same position. Rebecca didn't even choose the same project as you. Not to mention you dashed her dreams completely of pursuing a long term position. The silver medalist walks away with A SILVER MEDAL!! Rebecca walked away with nothing. Nothing that is except her dignity. And of course she couldn't have said it better..."I would have hired Randall. You don't want to turn away anyone that brings great potential as an employee especially in a managment position"...well stated Rebecca. Off you go. The year of women scorned - you should hook up with Jennifer Anniston and you two can chat about the public bitch slaps you both endured. And dear Randall, Congratulations! You will now be forever known as the greedy destroyer Pimp Bastard of 2005.
Conversations with Paris Hilton - dec 06
Truth: After the release of the first Harry Potter - Today show interviews w/ Paris and Daniel Radcliffe.
D Radcliffe (The guy who plays Harry Potter): "So I am like waving my wand around when I notice my wizards cloak was stuck on Dumbledor's phoenix and I accidentally sent it flying across the
room - literally - and we just laughed. IT was the best blooper of the movie!
Paris: "Oh yeah? That's totally hot!"
TGWPHP:(the guy who plays Harry potter obviously) "Yeah so how are you enjoying being an actress and an author?"
Paris: "um yeah it's hot! I'm mostly an heiress though. Bet I can make your wizrd's wand...um...
you know....what i mean is, have you ever seen my porno? I can teach you things."
TGWPHP: "WHat?! You cant be serious. I'm like 13 and you've got to be at least 22."
Paris: "Yeah that's hot!"
TGWPHP: "Nooo, that is a little sick actually. I think I have to go now. My mum is
expecting me. Later."
Paris: "Bye you naughty bitch. I'll see you after the interview."
D Radcliffe (The guy who plays Harry Potter): "So I am like waving my wand around when I notice my wizards cloak was stuck on Dumbledor's phoenix and I accidentally sent it flying across the
room - literally - and we just laughed. IT was the best blooper of the movie!
Paris: "Oh yeah? That's totally hot!"
TGWPHP:(the guy who plays Harry potter obviously) "Yeah so how are you enjoying being an actress and an author?"
Paris: "um yeah it's hot! I'm mostly an heiress though. Bet I can make your wizrd's wand...um...
you know....what i mean is, have you ever seen my porno? I can teach you things."
TGWPHP: "WHat?! You cant be serious. I'm like 13 and you've got to be at least 22."
Paris: "Yeah that's hot!"
TGWPHP: "Nooo, that is a little sick actually. I think I have to go now. My mum is
expecting me. Later."
Paris: "Bye you naughty bitch. I'll see you after the interview."
At War with Dead Ebay Seller - dec '06
Based on 80% truth unfortunately:
Ugh Well it finally happened. After a full onslaught of threats about negative feedback, retracted payments, and a barrage of emails and maybe even a little psycho phone call after a rather tedious online search... I received the following message in my inbox...
'Sorry for the delay. I will ship your item immediately! My Granny Pearl was the seller
for the item but she passed unexpectedly. We found her slumped over the computer.
For several days we noticed her phone line was always busy but this was a crazy time of
year for her ebay sales so we shrugged it off thinking she was just filling a tremendous
amount of orders for her homemade Elvis soaps and corn callus remover.'
OF course I promptly forwarded the message to mission control at ebay, pissed that someone was trying to make an ass of me because they "forgot" to send my item because someone "died". As if. So I demanded a death certificate. OH yes I did!! I replied to the seller in like.
Ebay claims they cannot provide such information as they do not have access to it and it falls outside the realm of claim disputes. SO, I'm just going to start selling all kinds of crap on ebay with all the other crap on there, collect payment, dont send the item and THEN claim a death.
As it turns out, the seller did ship my item but was highly incensed at the death cert request. However, she photocopied it and attached a pic of a sweet little old granny in a bonnet sitting at the computer with a toothless grin. DAMNATION! Who would think that a ebay seller with the name HanksHotOnes would be a granny? I mean why wouldn't she pick something age appropriate like PickleGrits?
I have to laugh and remind myself that it wasn't heart failure caused by those emails I sent. I only jokingly mentioned stealing his/her identity for porn purchases and then hunting him/her down and boiling his/her rabbit in front his/her snot nosed brats. Surely she didn't think I was serious. After all, who keeps rabbits around the house these days?
Ugh Well it finally happened. After a full onslaught of threats about negative feedback, retracted payments, and a barrage of emails and maybe even a little psycho phone call after a rather tedious online search... I received the following message in my inbox...
'Sorry for the delay. I will ship your item immediately! My Granny Pearl was the seller
for the item but she passed unexpectedly. We found her slumped over the computer.
For several days we noticed her phone line was always busy but this was a crazy time of
year for her ebay sales so we shrugged it off thinking she was just filling a tremendous
amount of orders for her homemade Elvis soaps and corn callus remover.'
OF course I promptly forwarded the message to mission control at ebay, pissed that someone was trying to make an ass of me because they "forgot" to send my item because someone "died". As if. So I demanded a death certificate. OH yes I did!! I replied to the seller in like.
Ebay claims they cannot provide such information as they do not have access to it and it falls outside the realm of claim disputes. SO, I'm just going to start selling all kinds of crap on ebay with all the other crap on there, collect payment, dont send the item and THEN claim a death.
As it turns out, the seller did ship my item but was highly incensed at the death cert request. However, she photocopied it and attached a pic of a sweet little old granny in a bonnet sitting at the computer with a toothless grin. DAMNATION! Who would think that a ebay seller with the name HanksHotOnes would be a granny? I mean why wouldn't she pick something age appropriate like PickleGrits?
I have to laugh and remind myself that it wasn't heart failure caused by those emails I sent. I only jokingly mentioned stealing his/her identity for porn purchases and then hunting him/her down and boiling his/her rabbit in front his/her snot nosed brats. Surely she didn't think I was serious. After all, who keeps rabbits around the house these days?
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