Relevant Danger...or IS it??

'06:

I thought maybe the new year was a good time to discuss danger in all its forms, perceived or not. January seems to be a HIGH Danger month. Let's just call it a ORANGE LEVEL MONTH!! WHY? Well because of all the avid exercisers out there! You know the ones who have been adamant about running 5 miles a day now for the last 5 days only. THe ones with all the back problems and busted knee joints, shin splints, sprained ankles and burnout. Yeah Doctors have to love January.

Also dangerous...possibility of snow and ice and all the people who are POSITIVE they can drive on it at regular highway speeds.
Then the after Xmas blues when people get their credit card bills. People have been known to actually go insane and commit bizarre acts like just standing outside in the freezing rain in their underwear.

Alcoholism is big in January too since it helps you forget all your problems during this dreary gray and cold month. ahhhh nice warm alcohol.....no danger there unless you drive, have cirrhosis or regretfully screw a really ugly person...eeew

Some Holidays seem to be really dangerous for certain individuals. Let's just list a few...

Thanksgiving - dangerous for: People that are overly cheerful and optimistic. Why? Because the rest of the sodding miserable family probably poisoned your jellied cranberries to shut you up permanently. Suggestion: Count your many blessing in your head - akin to counting sheep

Halloween - well diabetic kids...not fair and tragic. Nor is it good for the diabetic parents of kids that collect 30 lbs of candy that just lies there temptingly on the counter. SUggestion: Set up your own trick or treat stations in the back yard that include rice cakes, apples, and yogurt OR just keep a large dose of insulin at hand.

Christmas - midgets - way too often mistaken by the christmas drunkards for elves and asked to do stupid things like dance little jigs.  Suggestion: don't drink alcohol, instead switch to a hallucinogenic so you can enjoy the Magic of Xmas elves in your mind at home.

Easter: dangerous for people that need to be on mood stabilizers...bipolars, manic depressants etc etc. why? Well it's the Emotional Roller Coaster from...well... Heaven. Friday you're sad but confused because we call it good. Saturday you're just plain confused because everyone is in denial...like saturday just doesn't exist or figure into the Easter story. OH SURE then SUNDAY is all Hallelujah and Hosanna! Whew!! Suggestion: Start taking Lithium BEFORE Maundy THursday and veg out through saturday so that Sunday you can join the celebration without all the downer side effects.

Cinqo De Mayo: for people who can't spell the 5th of may in spanish. Also bad for people who think they are celebrating a "true" mexican holiday by downing many pitchers of margherita's and then trying to hit on all the latino waitresses.

Valentines Day: Co-dependents that don't have a co. Don't let valentines day alone push you to the brink of suicide!! Let Clay Aikens cd do that for you. After all, you are an invisible nobody. Suggestion: Go to a Nymphomaniacs Anonymous meeting...you won't be lonely long.

New Years Day: bad for the obsessive compulsive who just realized they ruined the start of the whole new year by not washing the celery 5 times before starting the raw veggie diet and NOW have to wait til NEXT New Years Day to start over again!! Suggestion: Repeat 5 times: go to the doctor...take my meds...repeat 5 times

Kwaanza - for people who confuse it with the saying "Cowabunga"

Channukah - for people who call the Star of David the devils pentagram, and for those people who think the guys with the long beards and curls are the jewish mafia and called the acidic jews

St Patricks day - dangerous to anyone who is not drunk or not wearing green anywhere on their person, or who has never played darts, or had a friend go to NotreDame, or can't cuss like a sailor, or who is Catholic, or who is protestant, or who cant sing an Irish chantey, or has never seen Brigadoon, or who calls a shamrock a clover, or who has never downed a stout or ale or black and tan, or hates U2 and Riverdance...etc....etc...etc.....You just cant be too safe on St Pat's suggestion: pretend to be Irish minus the accent and you might survive or you can just stay home