Waxing Frenzy

Well I was going to title the next few blogs entries to the song I'm a creep - as in, this one was supposed to be I don't belong here - and really I DON'T - at least not in the ever popular World Of Waxing.


Holy Hell!! I for some reason beyond my comprehension, I was in the ever loathsome wal mart and I decided to browse the hair removal section. Really I needed a new head for the electric razor but they were 25 bucks so I thought it might be easier and cheaper just to wax. So I'm looking at all the "new...easy...Effortless...wash away" waxing kits. And as I am a waxing virgin with no better sense, I actually hoped this one kit would be the solution to all my shaving woes. No nicks, cuts and smooth as a baby's butt for 2 whole freakin months! YEAH! Boy was I pumped!

I bought it - took it home - let all the parts I was going wax grow out to 3/8 inch as directed. OOOOH I was already feeling so liberated! And it claims you can use this stuff ANYWHERE! So FINALLY I decide the hairy sasquatchian look was no longer for me and I was ready for brazilian bare. Trying to be "smart" about this I thought a nice hot shower would open the pores allowing the bulb of the hair to slide out so much better. And I open up the kit and smear on the cool waxing glue that was going to wash away! Then I notice the cloth strips, but I wasn't deterred and figured it couldn't be that bad - after all it is a booming business. And I gloop what I like to call super glue wax on to a teeny little plastic spatula - and I probably should have stopped as soon as the paddle was sticking to my leg instead of spreading the goop. But I just gooped on more and tried to run it down the front and sides of my leg.

then I put on my little cloth strips and held the skin taut as I yanked up on it - because holding skin taut apparently works in salons to keep you from wanting to throw up with pain. AND I HANDLE PAIN VERY WELL! TRUST ME! I am ALWAYS walking into or bumping into something. ok?! But I needed Jesus himself to get rid of this pain. And I still had to rip off 4 more strips. And they WERE NOT washing away.

Yeah - sure enough there was a ton of hair on the strip and I thought yet again, "well for 8 weeks shave free - maybe I can just suck it up". But then I noticed the little clumps of hairs left behind - so even if I managed to wax my legs entirely - I would still have to shave because of the little oases of hair on my legs. SHIT SHIT SHIT. And I coated my legs very well and in the direction of the hair. So user error does not figure into this scenario. Anyway, I got the rest of them off, admired all the extra oases and at least hoped the bare patches would remain wax free for 8 weeks. Then I rubbed on the benzocaine. THANK GOD I didn't start with the bikini line or I would just be wearing cotton strips till they rotted and fell off I suppose! I should have known that any kit that requires the use of a topical antipain product - IS NOT GOOD! My leg still hurts. I fess up to consumer oafism. The next time I decide to wax, it is going to be poetic.