Punxsutawney Paranoia

It seems that sweet little Punxsutawney Phil G. Roundhog has seen his shadow and predicts 6 more weeks of purgatory. ( I was going to say Limbo but in the Caribbean 6 more weeks of limbo actually means the weather is still good enough for "de limboooo par'tay mon!" and repeatedly playing "who let the dogs out?")

Which is so much more interesting than 6 more weeks of winter. Which also leads me to my paranoia envy. Wouldn't it be great to be diagnosed with the fear of your own shadow which causes you to retreat to your house for weeks at a time! Especially if you could draw disability from it BUT then the gov't might require you to work from home.

GOVT:
"So you have Punxsutawney Paranoia...PP....well We need to create a little purgatory for you at home. It is now your official govt paid job to call all US citizens and have them pledge to the Presidential Campaign Fund. HAHAHA HAHAHA HAHAHA" (in a Vincent price Thriller type laugh)

Other pissable (Freudian, I was going for possible but it works) govt jobs for people with PP:

1. Asking the Magic 8 Ball the location of all Al-Qaida suspects for every country listed in the world including all principalities, indian nations, and possessions (not the satanic kind unless it is suspected that Bin Laden inflicted the devil upon the unwitting American citizen)

"oh magic 8 ball....Is Bin Laden in L.A."....The answer is hazy (of course it is...smog)
subsection 1a. "write Al-Qaida 500 times for not knowing how to spell it in the first place you slack ass citizen."

2. "Read speech transcripts to find clues as to the actual sex of Hillary Clinton, Janet Reno, Eleanor Roosevelt, Margaret Thatcher and Ed McMahon."

3. " Determine the direction of THE WAR ON TERROR!!!! You are as qualified to do so as the 550 members of congress. No military training required. And remember the Elastic Clause is GOLDEN!! GOLDEN!!... um..I may have said too much...just ignore that last bit"

4. We unofficially officially need you to plot the assassinations of the following "bad" americans:
Joe Simpson (jessica's dad) - must be accurate, oh wait, we already have him taken care of
Maury Povich - something along the lines of draining all his blood in DNA testing type doses while the gov't man screams "HA, Who's your daddy NOW!"
Hillary Clinton because she scares us all, just last week she told Senator Frist to - and I quote - "Shut your freakin cock suckin pie hole and grow a pair! You may be a doctor but I guarantee I've cut up more people than you!!!(huff huff) Figuratively speaking."

Punxsutawney Phil because we just don't need a groundhog calling the weather shots! That's the job of the in...wait a minute...that's classified.
Della Reese because she is just a horrible person. Wait til you hear the things she says. OH no you can't, sorry you are not authorized for wire tapping privileges.

and lastly
Arnold Schwarzenegger...There is a growing concern that he is going to use the robotic telepathic powers of his buddy Tom Cruise to sway congress to change the constitution to allow non US born citizens to be president. We know he is capable of this. He harnessed Al Gore's robotic mental powers and used it to his benefit to become governor! And Tom Cruise is much MORE powerful than Al Gore ever was! It would probably be easier to wipe out Tom Cruise BUT we actually need him so we can communicate with the aliens.